Honey, how do you feel about Spiritual Enlightment Classes?

Relationships. They're one of the things that we begin to learn about early in life and yet they're one of the things that we seem to have the most difficulty with.
By 'we', I am speaking of people in general. If you are comfortable and experienced with awesome relationships, then clearly this post is not about you. Well done.

'In mature love, we do not look to our partner to provide our happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry, for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.' (Meinecke, author of 'Everybody Marries the Wrong Person').

I read that in a rather lengthy article here and it really struck a chord with me. Growing up and learning to deal with increasingly complex social and romantic relationships is a hard deal.(I will also note early on in this post that part of that lengthy article is based on marriage whereas I am referring in this post to long term romantic relationships in general).
 Where's the guidebook with the decision tree that tells you what will happen if you say this, or don't do that?
Or that handy reference section that details the best possible reactions to every emotionally volatile situation?
The answer: It doesn't exist.
However, the above quote very closely resembles my adult philosophy on romantic interactions with others. It wasn't a hard thing for me to accept that my happiness is something that I alone am responsible for.
It was, however, and continues to be, a learning curve in finding the sometimes hidden expectations about relationships that I carry with me.

'Invariably, we yearn for perfection but are stuck with an imperfect human being. We all fall in love with people we think will deliver us from life's wounds but who wind up knowing how to rub against us... If we fail to plumb ourselves and speak up for our deepest needs, which admittedly can be a scary prospect, life will never feel authentic, we will never see ourselves with any clarity, and everyone will always be the wrong partner.' (Boston Family Therapist, Terry Real, quoted from same article here).

This is not necessarily new information for me, but it certainly struck home the fact that it really is about me. It's about how I am growing as a person, and whether or not I'm considerate, thoughtful, loving and able to recognise my flaws and compensate for them. It's about if I can grow as a person, as well as grow with another person in a way that is healthy and feels good for both of us.

Another quote from the Very Long Article: 'Relationship identities are negotiated between two individuals. Relationships are not static ideals; they are always works in progress.'

How true is this?! I mean, just in the last year I have grown so much as an individual that I can barely be compared to the same person that I was. If I have changed and my needs and goals and interests have changed and evolved, then what happens to a relationship that I'm in during that time?
Learning to communicate how I feel and the changes that I'm going through personally have served to bring closeness to my relationships during periods of transition. Giving my significant other/s an idea of how I've changed and where I want to be has allowed me the freedom to explore in a respectful and considerate way.

One thing I will say as a general disclaimer- Yes, I recognise that it is okay for relationships to not work out.
I understand that people can grow apart, in different directions with issues or needs that are unacceptable to the other person. I also understand that sometimes people are not willing to compromise standards or expectations that are of importance to them and this means that the person they are with is not the right one for that situation.
I do believe though that if you're in a relationship that you want to continue, but there are things that you view as an issue with your partner, you should take a look at yourself first. It's important.

I will also argue that the statement:
 'People who cheated in one or more previous relationships are not great mate material. They destroy the trust and intimacy basic to building a relationship. It's possible to make a case for a partner who cheats once, against his own values, but not for one who compulsively and repeatedly strays.'(William Doherty, professor of psychology at University of Minnesota,) is not one that I totally agree with.

This is probably stated from the perspective of a person, professional though they may be, that believes in the practice of monogamous relationships. Of course, you can cheat in open relationships- it's all about the honest communication after all- and his point would still stand.

I do not believe that a person who has cheated in a previous relationship should be automatically written off as 'not great mate material'. I could be biased, having cheated on a previous partner myself before discovering the avenue of open and polyamorous relationships, but I really do think that there's something to be thought about here.
A statement that would sound more accurate to me would be something like 'A person that lies consistently is a person to think carefully about being in an intimate relationship with.' I mean, it's really the deception that breaks trust and intimacy as well as the lack of pre-communication about needs and feelings.
As before stated though, people grow and change and learn and make decisions that impact their values and the way that they interact with others. It's entirely feasible for that lying, cheating person to become someone that is honest and respectful.

That aside, here's a statement that reflects my current situation in terms of relationships:

 'One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It's hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don't know what your needs or values are or haven't developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.'

I am still growing, learning, adapting, making mistakes, finding the values and passions and directions that I would like my life to have. I have a sneaking suspicion that because human beings are so adaptive and the nature of life is so changeable, that any one individual will never really be able to say with complete and lasting clarity 'This is what I want.'
From this comes the realisation that the onething that is super important is flexibility and a willingness to compromise. This includes with yourself, with your partner and with Life itself.

Have fun with it, love as you feel love should be and remember the whole 'when you point at someone there are three fingers pointing back at you' rule.

Time for some tea and a slice of sodomy, dear?

Okay, so this post is all about taking it up the ass.

I have been asked no less than four times this week if I would be interested in the idea of having someone's cock in my anal passage. (Doesn't it sound sexy when I put it that way?)
Now, this doesn't bother me in any way. I just find it curious that such a subject should be breached so many times in such a short period.
Now, let's get this straight- anal sex can be a fun and pleasurable activity, for those that enjoy it and do it correctly. And by correctly, I mean with patience and lube. Lots of lube.

The confusion here is not about the act itself. In fact, if you want a good, health related reason for women to do it- anal sex has been linked to decreased anxiety levels.
Apparently, there's an ingredient in male semen that is much more readily absorbed by the blood veseels in the rectum.
Butt sex for calmer people, yay!

It seems that anal sex is becoming more popular and mainstream in society than it used to be.
There was a survey released in 2005 that stated that 38.2% of men between 20 and 39 and 32.6% of women ages 18 to 44 engage in heterosexual anal sex. These percentages had increased by an average of 18.2% in just ten years.
It's a trend on the rise, and I must say I wonder at it. I mean, sure; breaking taboo is sexy.
Experimenting during sex is fun and keeps relationships interesting.
I guess this partly explains why being asked if you take it in the ass is a common occurance in the dating/ casual sex scenes these days.

There are just a few questions I'd like answered before I submit myself to em-bare-ass-ment.
Firstly, why is it that it's far more acceptable for men to stick the dick in women's asses than for women to dock the cock?
There's a ton of research done on gay and lesbian sex, heterosexual sex, including anal, with men as the penetrator, but seemingly little with women taking the 'lead role'. Certainly all of the men that have questioned me about anal sex have been referring to me receiving it.

It's my theory that the straight-male fear of reciprocal anal play is a potent mix of sexism and homophobia; a straight man can do it to someone else, but having it done to him is... Well, gay. (Which there is nothing wrong with, in my humble opinion.)

However!
The widely spread news of the anti-cancer benefits of prostate stimulation are giving straight guys a legitimate excuse to be more, uh, open to exploration.
Men’s magazines, which until a few years ago discussed anal sex only in terms of how to trick a girlfriend into giving it up, now talk about the male G-spot, a.k.a. the He-spot and how much pleasure a man can receive from this kind of stimulation while keeping himself healthy and cancer free.

I would encourage women to have a go at wearing the cock, so to speak; it's a very interesting power dynamic and one that many women find rewarding sexually. 

Next question: What is it that is so damn fascinating about putting your junk in my trunk?

The various responses I've received from men when asked this question have been pretty much as I expected.
It's tighter. It feels 'naughty' and exciting. It's a new sensation. It gives him a feeling of dominance.
It allows him to give her more pleasure because he can also stimulate her vaginally (only the really smooth guys used a line like this).
Still, the fact remains for me that it is a place in my body that expels waste. There is absolutely no way I can make that shit sexy. (Y'see what I did there?). It does feel good, though. Shhh.

So, what we learn and question from all of this:

1) Anal sex can have a calming effect. Can't sleep? Spread 'em!

2) Straight men have a scientific come back for why they're merely self caring if they indulge in anal play, if they're insecure and feel the need to justify their choices.

3) More people are having anal sex. Soon, it'll become the new zumba and everyone will be doing it.

4) How will the increasing commonality of anal intercourse affect population numbers? (Both through reduction of pregnancies and the transmission of STI's through negligent hygiene and safety practices).

5) An ass is still an ass, no matter what you put in it. Be clean, play safe.

Awkward Dinosaur in America!

Day 1.5- (The day of flight, visiting the past and getting up to do more stuff after sleeping.)

So, my trip started off well.

 Got bags, got stuff, got me. Seems sorted. Get to airport on time? Success.

Get to check in desk. Success.

Submit passport in exchange for boarding pass? Fail. 

A company, who I shall not name because I am beneath such things, managed to mis-read my name on my flight booking and hence printed the wrong name on my ticket. This, of course, sent staff into perplexed mumbling and me into a mild panic, complete with small whimpers. 

After being advised to call the Company that Shall Not Be Named, I was even more frustrated.

They basically told me that ‘According to company policy, Expedia (oops, sorry, did I just name-drop? Where’s that delete key? Can’t seem to find it. Odd.) could not re-print my ticket, change my name or be, in any practical way, helpful. They advised calling the airline.

Which I did. 

 *Ring ring*

“I’m sorry, but our offices aren’t open until many hours from now. Please have fun sorting out your problem on your own.”

Frazzled, I returned to the loving care of the helpful staff of Air New Zealand. Within ten minutes, I got a boarding pass to Sydney with the help of a sneaky system wrangling plane-person by the name of Jeff. Success! 

On plane to Sydney, one step closer to the end goal. Now to sort out my boarding pass at the other end!

While waiting in Sydney for airline staff to man the boarding gate, I met Kim the Other Friendly Aucklander. Thanks to her witty conversation, I survived the next few harrowing hours (five, to be precise) with my own wits relatively intact. And my ticket was sorted out.

During our conversation, however, we noticed some interesting happenings. Americans!

The first American I heard was, surprisingly enough, in the airport. And what were the first gracious words out of this charmingly sweet woman’s mouth? I was curious to hear them… It would do a lot for my forming judgements on the species.

Her first words were: “If other people fed their children, they wouldn’t cry so much. Obviously they need to take a parenting course. “

 Now, it’s not that I’m against this statement in principal. It’s mostly that it came from a woman who had no idea when these people had last fed their children- it could have been five minutes ago!

Luckily, I was distracted form this as Even More Americans piled into the space around Gate 60. Where before there had been understated, functional and open plan foyers for checking in, manned by a team of quiet, uniformed flight assistants, now there were loud Americans in suits, striding around like they meant business. They were taking over boarding gate 60, a coup complete with intimidating body searches and uniform blue screens. 

After all of that, boarding the plane was rather uneventful. The first thing that tickled my fancy was how American everything was. I mean, you expect it, I suppose, but it’s a different thing to experience. We were watching baseball on the inflight video.  Baseball.

Then there were the accents of the pilots and flight crew. ‘Would yew lahke somethin’ tuh drank?’

The American madness continues as the pilot reads out our in-flight instructions. Gems, every one of them. 

My favourite was ‘No social mingling in the gallies and lavatories.’

I mean, really... Who’s going to hang out in a lavatory?!

I also liked the statement that:

‘TSA have secure rules and restrictions for the safety of our passengers.'
One of these is that passengers are restricted to using the lavatories that are assigned to their particular
section of the plane!

Anyway, I'm writing this bit a few hours into the L.A leg of the trip, and my coccyx hurts. That’s right, you heard me. 

So, to take my mind off this, I spend time gazing out my window at clouds.  I’ve always found clouds absolutely fascinating. There’s something about being up in the sky, with just blue around you and the soft fluffy wool of clouds.

You feel like you’re part of something bigger, like you can see the whole world as it really is… It’s as if being 40,000ft? in the air somehow makes you invulnerable and better than what you were as a human being standing on two legs at 0ft above ground.

Just a note: It’s currently 10pm NZT and we’ve still got 8.5 hours to go. I haven’t moved from my seat since I sat down. I’m wondering if that’s going to hurt later, and if I can keep it up before we get to L.A.

This. Flight. Is. So. Long. 

Aaaand... I made it! Going through Security and Customs was a bit of a sleep deprived blur. No invasive cavity searches, no embarrassing and drawn out manual inspections of the contents of my suitcase. Just endless amounts of questions, some fingerprint scanning and a token 'Have a nice stay in America.'

Sorry to make this such a long post, but I did promise I'd keep you updated and so much has happened in the past 48 hours!

First really exciting thing was seeing Evan. It was kind of surreal- I had missed him so much, and suddenly I was with him, sitting in the car (admittedly, the steering wheel was on the wrong side and we were driving on the right hand side of the road,) and chatting about the flight and the trees and the crazy American drivers. 

The next really exciting thing that happened was being taken to Costco. Yup, it's huge. For you Kiwis, think Gilmores but bigger and with way more stuff, including furniture. 

My mind was stretching, and there were funny tingles sporadically travelling down my neck with each turn of my head to focus on one of the million other amazing sights set before me. 

It was so overwhelming, in fact, that I need to end this post. Right now. Hard...To... *brain spasm*

Do these genes make my butt look fat?

The answer is probably yes. The more interesting question is: do I sit on my fat butt and worry about it, or do I leap onto the treadmill for some vigorous butt-busting exercise?
Okay, so that wasn't as interesting a question as it sounded in my head. Here's something that's related though- buried deep in my genetic make-up are two little blips of DNA that decide for me which of the above options I should take naturally. Cool, huh?

It has recently come to my attention that there is a lot that Science (yes, it needs a capital, so it can continue to be pretentious and authoritative. Also, I happen to like the shape of a capital 'S',) is learning about the human condition. Perhaps you already knew about this, but for those of you that don't...
One of the more fascinating of these that I've come across lately is the Worrier/ Warrior genes or as Science names it, the 'catechol-O-methyltransferase (COMT) gene, which has a common variant at codon 158' of either 'valine (Val158) alleles' or 'methionine (Met158) substitution.'

So, to break the effects of these down a bit- you know that person that always seems to be fretting about whether or not they turned the lights off when they go out to the pub, or the people that prefer to stay inside away from anything remotely dangerous and read a book instead?
They're Worriers. Either one or both of their COMTs are methionine variants.

Now, the people who are all up-and-at-'em, on the rollercoasters, doing martial arts, taking risky financial moves and throwing a left hook at the guy who just spilt salsa on them?
They're Warriors. Either one or both of their genes are valine alleles. (Look here for allele clarification.)

Now, it is possible for a person to have either two Worrier genes, two Warrior genes, or one of each. These genes determine aspects of our personality and how we deal with certain situations. It has been shown that people that possess strong Warrior genes deal well with processing 'aversive stimuli' such as pain, while people that possess strong Worrier genes have a slight advantage in memory and attention tasks.

There are other differences too! Let's take a look at the Warrior and Worrier in detail.

The Warrior:

The good news is, Warriors seem to be able to cope with stress more easily! Their brains fill naturally and easily with dopamine when triggered by a stressor, which enables them to function much better (than Worriers) in stressful situations. If there's a cave lion attacking you, you'll likely win.
The bad news is, there's some strong evidence to suggest that Warrior genes make it more likely for the person carrying them to develop Schizophrenia.
There are also, apparently, external factors which influence the development of these genes. If, for example, you get high on the green leaf when you're a Warrior adolescent, you're much more likely to develop psychotic symptoms in later life. Crazy.
So basically, you get to be a cool superman that can take pain and not stress about shit but you'll go mental in later life. Bonus.

The Worrier:

The Worrier genes mean that there is a near constant chemical response in the body to stress. Dopamine fills the brain on such a regular basis and the adrenal glands are tired out so frequently that when a truly stressful situation does occur, the Worrier is much less efficient (than the Warrior) at coping with it.
Worrier genes have been linked to evidence that suggests anxiety disorders are much more common in people that carry this gene.
Worriers are likely to be pansies in the face of pain- it is shown that there is actual physical evidence that these people feel more pain than Warriors.
It is thought (based on actual research in Science) that Met alleles developed fairly recently (which, by the way, in Science language could mean hundreds of years ago) and 'may be particularly useful in complex environments where maximal performance is required on tasks of memory and attention.'
So, you get to be smart and attentive and, dare I say it, likely to be more intelligent but you're likely to have a mental breakdown later in life from all that stress.

Of course, if you have both, you could end up being a crazy legend like Ozzy Osbourne, who reportedly has one of each kind of gene. This might explain his recklessly bold career moves and his sense of insecurity and anxiety that has persisted throughout his life.
The best thing, though, is that neither gene is 'better' than the other. As far as Important Science is concerned, they've both made it through the evolutionary blender and persist to this day. We obviously need people that have different skills, different chemistry and different personalities for the human race to not only function, but to improve and develop.

If you'd like more information, or to re-read what I just explained to you but in confusing and Scientific terms, try here and here and for an entertaining piece about Warrior aggression, click here.

*Please note* That I am not a doctor, a scientist or an otherwise certified Ass that has any right to claim any of the above ideas as my own work. This post was written as a slightly informative, casual take on a piece of new and interesting information I had come across and decided to write about at 3 o'clock in the morning.

The Holiday of Hearts and Hubris

So. It's almost February. You know what happens in February?
Let me give you a clue: It's commercial. It's romantic. It raises peoples' hopes and expectations and then succeeds in dashing them; thus causing an argument that brings up every single disappoint experienced by either party and then it ends in tears and a hefty divorce settlement.

Yup, it's Valentine's Day!

Now, please don't read me wrong. I'm a dinosaur that likes a little romance in her life. I like presents, especially if they're wrapped in red paper. I love receiving flowers and being told nice things. I can even be partial to, dare I say it, being taken out somewhere nice with my partner actually behaving himself and occasionally glancing at me like I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.

However! Yes- you knew that was coming. Clever reader.
Valentine's Day has become something far more than it was supposed to be; the real meaning and intent lost in layers of pink tissue paper and extravagant cost-you-more-than-you-can-afford gestures.
In this post, we'll take a look at how it came about and what I believe it should really be about. (C'mon now... It *is* supposed to be my blog and therefore filled with lofty opinions that you must read in order to get to the entertaining stuff...)

So, Saint Valentine's Day was named after 'one or more' early Christian Martyrs. Apparently their supplicants lost track of just how many sacrificed themselves.
Originally, from all accounts, Valentine's Day had absolutely no connection with romantic love at all. It was really just about a couple of different men that were persecuted. Of course, if you're into that sort of thing, it could all be terribly romantic- It's like Romeo and Juliet all over again, except with a couple of Christian men that died for faith instead of love, and they were killed rather than commit suicide (because that would have been a sin!)
Okay. You're right. It was absolutely nothing like Romeo and Juliet.

Still, as these things happen, it became about love. Why?
A man named Geoffrey Chaucer set quill to ink to parchment and wrote a poem about love and mating to celebrate the first year engagement anniversary of some fifteen year old King to his fiancee. (King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia, if you really wanted details.)
The idea was so beautifully put, words singing off paper and into the love-thirsty minds of his audience, that Chaucer effectively gave rise to the belief  and implementation of a tradition that was to be carried on for hundreds of years.

Traditions change over time; and when you take into account that people always have individual opinions and ways of doing things, well, something's going to get lost in translation.

There are so many different ways and days to celebrate love and romance in a global sense. At the bottom of this post, I'll even list some of the more interesting ones.
So how is it, with the perfect and pure intention of telling someone you love them, that it can all go so horribly wrong?

1) Women. They're involved in this holiday, whether you like it or not. The End.

2) Okay, to be fair and non-sexist, I'll add some clarification. How about society? Yes. That's a good one. Society has essentially built up the gender roles so that women have come to expect that on Valentine's Day, they'll be treated like a Princess and have gifts like it was their birthday and there'll be flowers and birds singing and... Well, you get the point.

There are a couple of problems with this, as you might have already guessed. (You're a wily bunch, you readers. I've got my beady, prehistoric eye on you.)

• Sometimes there isn't anyone to give presents, make grandiose statements of undying love; or even toast in bed, for that matter. 

• Most of the men that I know are against Valentine's Day for one reason or another- They're too lazy, they're broke, they don't see why they can't do those things for her on any other day where it isn't an expectation...

3) Society. Oh wait; did I already use this one? Well, too bad! This is number three.
Society has, as it is wont to do, taken the feminist protests for the right and opportunity to work, have equal rights, equal pay and equal social standing- and made them almost compulsory. It is much less acceptable for women to stay at home and raise their children, cook for their husbands and keep a house running as a recognised role/ profession. Oh no! Those lazy bitches should be in the workforce, I tell you!

And so, the roles have become rolled when it comes to other areas of life and couplehood; like Valentine's Day. Uncertainty clouds the minds of people in their pre-Valentine's anticipation. 'Do I buy him something now that I'm working?' and 'Do we both pay when we go out for dinner?' and my personal favourite:
'She's the one that's into the bloody holiday; let her put the effort in. I'll wait and see what happens. Hopefully she'll get me that awesome Man-Toy3000 I've been hinting at after giving her pleasure.'

Amongst conflicting personal views and misinformation, Valentine's Day goes wrong.

4) Society. Okay, okay. I'll rename it. How about... Uh... Capitalism and the Media!
Valentine's Day is number one for the year on the retailer's list of holidays. It kicks off all the others; and 'love' is such a powerful way to guilt trip consumers into buying armloads of crap they didn't really want to buy. Heart-shaped cards that cost $10 and last 10 minutes... Teddy bears that get a squeal of delight, only to be thrown on the shelf for 6 months before the next big clean... Chocolates to make her fatter so she'll complain about her weight more... These things you simply must give your loved one or crush or you're being a bad person. At least, that's what media would have us believe.

5) Expectation. Aha! Got you there, didn't I? You were expecting a certain 's' word that rhymes with... Well, never mind. I win.
Expectation is the worst thing that ever happened to Valentine's Day.
It's the thing that sets you up for failure, or at the very least, disappointment.
When you're a woman, raised in- ah, here it comes- Western society, you come to have expectations of the kind of things that Valentine's is about. You're thinking flowers, chocolates, special and touching words of love and devotion. You're thinking dates, and dinner, and maybe even a chance to show off that sexy new lingerie.

You're also left thinking 'Oh, was that it?' and 'I didn't want that one. Doesn't he know me at all?' and 'Everyone else looks so happy. What's wrong with me/us?'.  Even the toast he brought to you in bed was burnt, and you got crumbs all over the new sheets.
A day that was made to celebrate love and foster closeness in your relationship has just suddenly become a bleak and awkward day that you end up both wanting to avoid.

'There's got to be a way!' you protest. Well, here's the advice of someone that's been around for a few thousand years.

• Communicate. Let your partner know what Valentine's Day means to you, if anything. If you want those flowers, that romance, then let them know. It's better to talk about it then to play guessing games.

• Lower your expectations- do you actually need more from your relationship than you have? If the answer is yes, then Valentine's presents won't fix it.

• Try to give back a little; if making your partner feel loved and happy doesn't make you feel good too, you might be in the wrong relationship. 

• Try spending time instead of money. It works, I tell you. Do something nice for someone you care about- it shows your love in a thoughtful manner. This can be a love letter (handwritten shows more feeling and effort than type- just saying,) or a quiet afternoon together in a pleasant place, or even getting around to putting up that new fence she wanted *and* painting it, even though she didn't ask you to.

• If you don't have a 'partner', hang out with your friends and family and let them know that you appreciate them! Love exists in many forms, right?

•  Make a kind of Valentine's resolution. You know that love doesn't have to be, and in fact shouldn't be, celebrated only on one day of the year. So, from this day onwards, make an effort to show/tell your partner you care every day, even just in small ways. A kiss, a whispered encouragement, a little note on the bedstand.

Above all, I think my cardinal rule is 'have fun with it.'
If there really was a Saint Valentine that looked after all things love related, I think that he'd want you to seek out your meaning of love.
I think he'd want people to practice loving consciously, which means taking responsibility for their part in love and making effort to be accepting, kind and considerate.
I also think that he'd be a really rich bastard because he'd claim the proceeds that come from such a ridiculously expensive holiday!