Honey, how do you feel about Spiritual Enlightment Classes?

Relationships. They're one of the things that we begin to learn about early in life and yet they're one of the things that we seem to have the most difficulty with.
By 'we', I am speaking of people in general. If you are comfortable and experienced with awesome relationships, then clearly this post is not about you. Well done.

'In mature love, we do not look to our partner to provide our happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry, for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.' (Meinecke, author of 'Everybody Marries the Wrong Person').

I read that in a rather lengthy article here and it really struck a chord with me. Growing up and learning to deal with increasingly complex social and romantic relationships is a hard deal.(I will also note early on in this post that part of that lengthy article is based on marriage whereas I am referring in this post to long term romantic relationships in general).
 Where's the guidebook with the decision tree that tells you what will happen if you say this, or don't do that?
Or that handy reference section that details the best possible reactions to every emotionally volatile situation?
The answer: It doesn't exist.
However, the above quote very closely resembles my adult philosophy on romantic interactions with others. It wasn't a hard thing for me to accept that my happiness is something that I alone am responsible for.
It was, however, and continues to be, a learning curve in finding the sometimes hidden expectations about relationships that I carry with me.

'Invariably, we yearn for perfection but are stuck with an imperfect human being. We all fall in love with people we think will deliver us from life's wounds but who wind up knowing how to rub against us... If we fail to plumb ourselves and speak up for our deepest needs, which admittedly can be a scary prospect, life will never feel authentic, we will never see ourselves with any clarity, and everyone will always be the wrong partner.' (Boston Family Therapist, Terry Real, quoted from same article here).

This is not necessarily new information for me, but it certainly struck home the fact that it really is about me. It's about how I am growing as a person, and whether or not I'm considerate, thoughtful, loving and able to recognise my flaws and compensate for them. It's about if I can grow as a person, as well as grow with another person in a way that is healthy and feels good for both of us.

Another quote from the Very Long Article: 'Relationship identities are negotiated between two individuals. Relationships are not static ideals; they are always works in progress.'

How true is this?! I mean, just in the last year I have grown so much as an individual that I can barely be compared to the same person that I was. If I have changed and my needs and goals and interests have changed and evolved, then what happens to a relationship that I'm in during that time?
Learning to communicate how I feel and the changes that I'm going through personally have served to bring closeness to my relationships during periods of transition. Giving my significant other/s an idea of how I've changed and where I want to be has allowed me the freedom to explore in a respectful and considerate way.

One thing I will say as a general disclaimer- Yes, I recognise that it is okay for relationships to not work out.
I understand that people can grow apart, in different directions with issues or needs that are unacceptable to the other person. I also understand that sometimes people are not willing to compromise standards or expectations that are of importance to them and this means that the person they are with is not the right one for that situation.
I do believe though that if you're in a relationship that you want to continue, but there are things that you view as an issue with your partner, you should take a look at yourself first. It's important.

I will also argue that the statement:
 'People who cheated in one or more previous relationships are not great mate material. They destroy the trust and intimacy basic to building a relationship. It's possible to make a case for a partner who cheats once, against his own values, but not for one who compulsively and repeatedly strays.'(William Doherty, professor of psychology at University of Minnesota,) is not one that I totally agree with.

This is probably stated from the perspective of a person, professional though they may be, that believes in the practice of monogamous relationships. Of course, you can cheat in open relationships- it's all about the honest communication after all- and his point would still stand.

I do not believe that a person who has cheated in a previous relationship should be automatically written off as 'not great mate material'. I could be biased, having cheated on a previous partner myself before discovering the avenue of open and polyamorous relationships, but I really do think that there's something to be thought about here.
A statement that would sound more accurate to me would be something like 'A person that lies consistently is a person to think carefully about being in an intimate relationship with.' I mean, it's really the deception that breaks trust and intimacy as well as the lack of pre-communication about needs and feelings.
As before stated though, people grow and change and learn and make decisions that impact their values and the way that they interact with others. It's entirely feasible for that lying, cheating person to become someone that is honest and respectful.

That aside, here's a statement that reflects my current situation in terms of relationships:

 'One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It's hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don't know what your needs or values are or haven't developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.'

I am still growing, learning, adapting, making mistakes, finding the values and passions and directions that I would like my life to have. I have a sneaking suspicion that because human beings are so adaptive and the nature of life is so changeable, that any one individual will never really be able to say with complete and lasting clarity 'This is what I want.'
From this comes the realisation that the onething that is super important is flexibility and a willingness to compromise. This includes with yourself, with your partner and with Life itself.

Have fun with it, love as you feel love should be and remember the whole 'when you point at someone there are three fingers pointing back at you' rule.

The Holiday of Hearts and Hubris

So. It's almost February. You know what happens in February?
Let me give you a clue: It's commercial. It's romantic. It raises peoples' hopes and expectations and then succeeds in dashing them; thus causing an argument that brings up every single disappoint experienced by either party and then it ends in tears and a hefty divorce settlement.

Yup, it's Valentine's Day!

Now, please don't read me wrong. I'm a dinosaur that likes a little romance in her life. I like presents, especially if they're wrapped in red paper. I love receiving flowers and being told nice things. I can even be partial to, dare I say it, being taken out somewhere nice with my partner actually behaving himself and occasionally glancing at me like I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.

However! Yes- you knew that was coming. Clever reader.
Valentine's Day has become something far more than it was supposed to be; the real meaning and intent lost in layers of pink tissue paper and extravagant cost-you-more-than-you-can-afford gestures.
In this post, we'll take a look at how it came about and what I believe it should really be about. (C'mon now... It *is* supposed to be my blog and therefore filled with lofty opinions that you must read in order to get to the entertaining stuff...)

So, Saint Valentine's Day was named after 'one or more' early Christian Martyrs. Apparently their supplicants lost track of just how many sacrificed themselves.
Originally, from all accounts, Valentine's Day had absolutely no connection with romantic love at all. It was really just about a couple of different men that were persecuted. Of course, if you're into that sort of thing, it could all be terribly romantic- It's like Romeo and Juliet all over again, except with a couple of Christian men that died for faith instead of love, and they were killed rather than commit suicide (because that would have been a sin!)
Okay. You're right. It was absolutely nothing like Romeo and Juliet.

Still, as these things happen, it became about love. Why?
A man named Geoffrey Chaucer set quill to ink to parchment and wrote a poem about love and mating to celebrate the first year engagement anniversary of some fifteen year old King to his fiancee. (King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia, if you really wanted details.)
The idea was so beautifully put, words singing off paper and into the love-thirsty minds of his audience, that Chaucer effectively gave rise to the belief  and implementation of a tradition that was to be carried on for hundreds of years.

Traditions change over time; and when you take into account that people always have individual opinions and ways of doing things, well, something's going to get lost in translation.

There are so many different ways and days to celebrate love and romance in a global sense. At the bottom of this post, I'll even list some of the more interesting ones.
So how is it, with the perfect and pure intention of telling someone you love them, that it can all go so horribly wrong?

1) Women. They're involved in this holiday, whether you like it or not. The End.

2) Okay, to be fair and non-sexist, I'll add some clarification. How about society? Yes. That's a good one. Society has essentially built up the gender roles so that women have come to expect that on Valentine's Day, they'll be treated like a Princess and have gifts like it was their birthday and there'll be flowers and birds singing and... Well, you get the point.

There are a couple of problems with this, as you might have already guessed. (You're a wily bunch, you readers. I've got my beady, prehistoric eye on you.)

• Sometimes there isn't anyone to give presents, make grandiose statements of undying love; or even toast in bed, for that matter. 

• Most of the men that I know are against Valentine's Day for one reason or another- They're too lazy, they're broke, they don't see why they can't do those things for her on any other day where it isn't an expectation...

3) Society. Oh wait; did I already use this one? Well, too bad! This is number three.
Society has, as it is wont to do, taken the feminist protests for the right and opportunity to work, have equal rights, equal pay and equal social standing- and made them almost compulsory. It is much less acceptable for women to stay at home and raise their children, cook for their husbands and keep a house running as a recognised role/ profession. Oh no! Those lazy bitches should be in the workforce, I tell you!

And so, the roles have become rolled when it comes to other areas of life and couplehood; like Valentine's Day. Uncertainty clouds the minds of people in their pre-Valentine's anticipation. 'Do I buy him something now that I'm working?' and 'Do we both pay when we go out for dinner?' and my personal favourite:
'She's the one that's into the bloody holiday; let her put the effort in. I'll wait and see what happens. Hopefully she'll get me that awesome Man-Toy3000 I've been hinting at after giving her pleasure.'

Amongst conflicting personal views and misinformation, Valentine's Day goes wrong.

4) Society. Okay, okay. I'll rename it. How about... Uh... Capitalism and the Media!
Valentine's Day is number one for the year on the retailer's list of holidays. It kicks off all the others; and 'love' is such a powerful way to guilt trip consumers into buying armloads of crap they didn't really want to buy. Heart-shaped cards that cost $10 and last 10 minutes... Teddy bears that get a squeal of delight, only to be thrown on the shelf for 6 months before the next big clean... Chocolates to make her fatter so she'll complain about her weight more... These things you simply must give your loved one or crush or you're being a bad person. At least, that's what media would have us believe.

5) Expectation. Aha! Got you there, didn't I? You were expecting a certain 's' word that rhymes with... Well, never mind. I win.
Expectation is the worst thing that ever happened to Valentine's Day.
It's the thing that sets you up for failure, or at the very least, disappointment.
When you're a woman, raised in- ah, here it comes- Western society, you come to have expectations of the kind of things that Valentine's is about. You're thinking flowers, chocolates, special and touching words of love and devotion. You're thinking dates, and dinner, and maybe even a chance to show off that sexy new lingerie.

You're also left thinking 'Oh, was that it?' and 'I didn't want that one. Doesn't he know me at all?' and 'Everyone else looks so happy. What's wrong with me/us?'.  Even the toast he brought to you in bed was burnt, and you got crumbs all over the new sheets.
A day that was made to celebrate love and foster closeness in your relationship has just suddenly become a bleak and awkward day that you end up both wanting to avoid.

'There's got to be a way!' you protest. Well, here's the advice of someone that's been around for a few thousand years.

• Communicate. Let your partner know what Valentine's Day means to you, if anything. If you want those flowers, that romance, then let them know. It's better to talk about it then to play guessing games.

• Lower your expectations- do you actually need more from your relationship than you have? If the answer is yes, then Valentine's presents won't fix it.

• Try to give back a little; if making your partner feel loved and happy doesn't make you feel good too, you might be in the wrong relationship. 

• Try spending time instead of money. It works, I tell you. Do something nice for someone you care about- it shows your love in a thoughtful manner. This can be a love letter (handwritten shows more feeling and effort than type- just saying,) or a quiet afternoon together in a pleasant place, or even getting around to putting up that new fence she wanted *and* painting it, even though she didn't ask you to.

• If you don't have a 'partner', hang out with your friends and family and let them know that you appreciate them! Love exists in many forms, right?

•  Make a kind of Valentine's resolution. You know that love doesn't have to be, and in fact shouldn't be, celebrated only on one day of the year. So, from this day onwards, make an effort to show/tell your partner you care every day, even just in small ways. A kiss, a whispered encouragement, a little note on the bedstand.

Above all, I think my cardinal rule is 'have fun with it.'
If there really was a Saint Valentine that looked after all things love related, I think that he'd want you to seek out your meaning of love.
I think he'd want people to practice loving consciously, which means taking responsibility for their part in love and making effort to be accepting, kind and considerate.
I also think that he'd be a really rich bastard because he'd claim the proceeds that come from such a ridiculously expensive holiday!

dnalrednoW ni ecilA: Through the Other looking glass.

Alice was, I believe, a perfectly normal human being with a vivid and slightly twisted imagination.

*You*, of course, could argue that if you look at some of the ideas suggested in the tales of Wonderland, you can read either the innocent, if confusing, dreams of an eleven year old child, or the hallucinogenic ravings of a maladjusted juvenile.

Let's walk through this mirror and see reality with a parallel scope. Of course, all of the following interpretations are tinted with the paint of my mind, and as such, I'm sure that you will find yourself making sense of these events in your own way.

We shall start at the place that all good stories start... at the beginning.

In the beginning, Alice was a sleepy young girl that was paying far too little attention to things that ought to have been thought about. Her cat, an innocently evil little fluffball named, of all things, 'Dinah', was apparently her sidekick in this miscellaneous muckery.
Alice, being the stereotype of petulant little girls who don't go to bed when they're told to, was very tired and fell asleep under a tree in the warm afternoon sun; although this fact is not apparent in the writing of the story, so as to make the reader question the reality of said events.
Later on, we may discover the fact that she got sunburnt and developed melanoma.

Now, we can assume one of a few things in this next part. Either Alice was dreaming that she saw a little white rabbit in a waistcoat with a pocket watch running to the hole in the tree or she was filled to the gills with hallucinogenics. In either case, that's precisely what happened, and dear little Alice decided to indulge her natural curiousity with no thought for the consequences.
I mean, really. Who jumps down a rabbit hole without a rope and some carrots to bribe the vicious bunnies?!

The scene at the bottom of the rabbit hole, that of a room with a table holding grow me/ shrink me drugs and a small door, is obviously some kind of reference to the idea that you can't get where you want to go in life without cheating sometimes.
That, or it was merely demonstrating how easily kids are tempted into taking drugs and thus we shouldn't leave our shrinking potions lying scattered around the house, in case they just happen to end up in a mysterious parallel universe, chasing a rabbit.

An important lesson here is that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the small enchanted door. Perhaps if Alice hadn't been so keen to escape to new pastures, she wouldn't have entangled herself in the curious happenings that followed. The question is, however, whether or not it was beneficial. Of course, if she had been a more organised sort of person that had given more forethought to the consequences of her actions, she may not have ended up ten inches high and swimming in a sea of her own tears.

It seems that Alice was a very unhappy little girl for the majority of this story; I choose to take this as a warning that taking drugs and chasing rabbits while wandering in the wilderness of your mind is a VERY BAD THING. This particular story is full of well meaning moral guidings. A good example is when Alice ends up being mistaken by the white rabbit for his housemaid, Mary Ann. She, the silly twit, doesn't correct him on the finer details of her true identity, and attempts to do the job of the maidservant. Alas, temptation appears in the form of a tiny bottle labelled 'DRINK ME'. Now, there are a few things about this situation that make it rather worthy of comment.

Firstly, a bottle that has any kind of directive label on it and is full of mysterious content is sure to be trouble. Secondly, let us take this anecdote as a caution against the vanity and dissatisfaction of self image. If Alice had been more content with the way she was, she would never have felt the need to drink. "I do hope it'll make me grow large again, for really I'm quite tired of being such a tiny little thing!".
Sadly, little Alice learnt the lesson of Regret as she found herself unable to handle the consequences of her decision. "That's quite enough-- I hope I shan't grow any more-- As it is, I can't get out at the door-- Oh I do wish I hadn't drunk quite so much!".
Enough said, really.

The little girl *did* have a fairly good idea when it came to purpose, however. When speaking with the frustratingly obtuse Cheshire Cat, she said "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
To which the puss replied with a sensible "Well that depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
Now, Alice said next that she didn't care much where she wanted to get to; so long as it was _somewhere_.
This strikes me as a very mature response for such a young person, and perhaps something that is difficult for most people to grasp regardless of age.

Indeed, it is a question in the transient, arduous journey to seeking happiness: Will we be happy when we get to where we're going, or is it the journey that matters? Is it the destination, the goal fulfilled, the reward claimed that sates our need, our drive? Or is it the things that we experience on the way there, and the feeling of satisfaction that comes from merely moving, from continuing to walk to 'somewhere' instead of going nowhere?
However, in this case, we'll take a leaf from Alice's book, in which she states to the Mad Hatter "I think you might do something better with the time than waste it in riddles that have no answers."

Of course, after her encounter with this enigmatic man and the March Hare, Alice finally finds herself in the garden which tempted her into taking size altering drugs in the first place, which proves that you can, obviously, achieve your goals even when distracted, high, regretful and three inches tall, if you go 'somewhere'.

There are many other themes in this aphorism-laden story; things such as the power of authority, the wisdom of asserting one's boundaries when threatened (in Alice's case, with being beheaded,) and the importance of good sportsmanship in croquet.
The Duchess realised this, and indeed remarked to Alice as they strolled through the Queen's Garden arm-in-arm that "Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it."

I do find myself wondering if the King pardoning all of the executions ordered by the passionate-for-beheading Queen during the croquet game was a reference to the facade of rule and power of monarchs in England at the time (and indeed, now,) or if it was a more subtle allusion to the perceived 'madness' and impulsiveness of womankind in general, and the damage control initiated by men after the emotional bombshell has exploded.

Really, there's not much else. The story finishes with Alice's sister waking little Alice up, only then to drift into her own imaginings of strange alternate realities, the concept of which merely served to show her that life would go on as usual; that Wonderland was really with all of us, in our own minds, ready to serve up a good dose of abstract advice when we least expect it.