Friday 27 January 2012

Do these genes make my butt look fat?

The answer is probably yes. The more interesting question is: do I sit on my fat butt and worry about it, or do I leap onto the treadmill for some vigorous butt-busting exercise?
Okay, so that wasn't as interesting a question as it sounded in my head. Here's something that's related though- buried deep in my genetic make-up are two little blips of DNA that decide for me which of the above options I should take naturally. Cool, huh?

It has recently come to my attention that there is a lot that Science (yes, it needs a capital, so it can continue to be pretentious and authoritative. Also, I happen to like the shape of a capital 'S',) is learning about the human condition. Perhaps you already knew about this, but for those of you that don't...
One of the more fascinating of these that I've come across lately is the Worrier/ Warrior genes or as Science names it, the 'catechol-O-methyltransferase (COMT) gene, which has a common variant at codon 158' of either 'valine (Val158) alleles' or 'methionine (Met158) substitution.'

So, to break the effects of these down a bit- you know that person that always seems to be fretting about whether or not they turned the lights off when they go out to the pub, or the people that prefer to stay inside away from anything remotely dangerous and read a book instead?
They're Worriers. Either one or both of their COMTs are methionine variants.

Now, the people who are all up-and-at-'em, on the rollercoasters, doing martial arts, taking risky financial moves and throwing a left hook at the guy who just spilt salsa on them?
They're Warriors. Either one or both of their genes are valine alleles. (Look here for allele clarification.)

Now, it is possible for a person to have either two Worrier genes, two Warrior genes, or one of each. These genes determine aspects of our personality and how we deal with certain situations. It has been shown that people that possess strong Warrior genes deal well with processing 'aversive stimuli' such as pain, while people that possess strong Worrier genes have a slight advantage in memory and attention tasks.

There are other differences too! Let's take a look at the Warrior and Worrier in detail.

The Warrior:

The good news is, Warriors seem to be able to cope with stress more easily! Their brains fill naturally and easily with dopamine when triggered by a stressor, which enables them to function much better (than Worriers) in stressful situations. If there's a cave lion attacking you, you'll likely win.
The bad news is, there's some strong evidence to suggest that Warrior genes make it more likely for the person carrying them to develop Schizophrenia.
There are also, apparently, external factors which influence the development of these genes. If, for example, you get high on the green leaf when you're a Warrior adolescent, you're much more likely to develop psychotic symptoms in later life. Crazy.
So basically, you get to be a cool superman that can take pain and not stress about shit but you'll go mental in later life. Bonus.

The Worrier:

The Worrier genes mean that there is a near constant chemical response in the body to stress. Dopamine fills the brain on such a regular basis and the adrenal glands are tired out so frequently that when a truly stressful situation does occur, the Worrier is much less efficient (than the Warrior) at coping with it.
Worrier genes have been linked to evidence that suggests anxiety disorders are much more common in people that carry this gene.
Worriers are likely to be pansies in the face of pain- it is shown that there is actual physical evidence that these people feel more pain than Warriors.
It is thought (based on actual research in Science) that Met alleles developed fairly recently (which, by the way, in Science language could mean hundreds of years ago) and 'may be particularly useful in complex environments where maximal performance is required on tasks of memory and attention.'
So, you get to be smart and attentive and, dare I say it, likely to be more intelligent but you're likely to have a mental breakdown later in life from all that stress.

Of course, if you have both, you could end up being a crazy legend like Ozzy Osbourne, who reportedly has one of each kind of gene. This might explain his recklessly bold career moves and his sense of insecurity and anxiety that has persisted throughout his life.
The best thing, though, is that neither gene is 'better' than the other. As far as Important Science is concerned, they've both made it through the evolutionary blender and persist to this day. We obviously need people that have different skills, different chemistry and different personalities for the human race to not only function, but to improve and develop.

If you'd like more information, or to re-read what I just explained to you but in confusing and Scientific terms, try here and here and for an entertaining piece about Warrior aggression, click here.

*Please note* That I am not a doctor, a scientist or an otherwise certified Ass that has any right to claim any of the above ideas as my own work. This post was written as a slightly informative, casual take on a piece of new and interesting information I had come across and decided to write about at 3 o'clock in the morning.


Thursday 26 January 2012

The Holiday of Hearts and Hubris

So. It's almost February. You know what happens in February?
Let me give you a clue: It's commercial. It's romantic. It raises peoples' hopes and expectations and then succeeds in dashing them; thus causing an argument that brings up every single disappoint experienced by either party and then it ends in tears and a hefty divorce settlement.

Yup, it's Valentine's Day!

Now, please don't read me wrong. I'm a dinosaur that likes a little romance in her life. I like presents, especially if they're wrapped in red paper. I love receiving flowers and being told nice things. I can even be partial to, dare I say it, being taken out somewhere nice with my partner actually behaving himself and occasionally glancing at me like I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.

However! Yes- you knew that was coming. Clever reader.
Valentine's Day has become something far more than it was supposed to be; the real meaning and intent lost in layers of pink tissue paper and extravagant cost-you-more-than-you-can-afford gestures.
In this post, we'll take a look at how it came about and what I believe it should really be about. (C'mon now... It *is* supposed to be my blog and therefore filled with lofty opinions that you must read in order to get to the entertaining stuff...)

So, Saint Valentine's Day was named after 'one or more' early Christian Martyrs. Apparently their supplicants lost track of just how many sacrificed themselves.
Originally, from all accounts, Valentine's Day had absolutely no connection with romantic love at all. It was really just about a couple of different men that were persecuted. Of course, if you're into that sort of thing, it could all be terribly romantic- It's like Romeo and Juliet all over again, except with a couple of Christian men that died for faith instead of love, and they were killed rather than commit suicide (because that would have been a sin!)
Okay. You're right. It was absolutely nothing like Romeo and Juliet.

Still, as these things happen, it became about love. Why?
A man named Geoffrey Chaucer set quill to ink to parchment and wrote a poem about love and mating to celebrate the first year engagement anniversary of some fifteen year old King to his fiancee. (King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia, if you really wanted details.)
The idea was so beautifully put, words singing off paper and into the love-thirsty minds of his audience, that Chaucer effectively gave rise to the belief  and implementation of a tradition that was to be carried on for hundreds of years.

Traditions change over time; and when you take into account that people always have individual opinions and ways of doing things, well, something's going to get lost in translation.

There are so many different ways and days to celebrate love and romance in a global sense. At the bottom of this post, I'll even list some of the more interesting ones.
So how is it, with the perfect and pure intention of telling someone you love them, that it can all go so horribly wrong?

1) Women. They're involved in this holiday, whether you like it or not. The End.

2) Okay, to be fair and non-sexist, I'll add some clarification. How about society? Yes. That's a good one. Society has essentially built up the gender roles so that women have come to expect that on Valentine's Day, they'll be treated like a Princess and have gifts like it was their birthday and there'll be flowers and birds singing and... Well, you get the point.

There are a couple of problems with this, as you might have already guessed. (You're a wily bunch, you readers. I've got my beady, prehistoric eye on you.)
  • Sometimes there isn't anyone to give presents, make grandiose statements of undying love; or even toast in bed, for that matter. 
  • Most of the men that I know are against Valentine's Day for one reason or another- They're too lazy, they're broke, they don't see why they can't do those things for her on any other day where it isn't an expectation...
3) Society. Oh wait; did I already use this one? Well, too bad! This is number three.
Society has, as it is wont to do, taken the feminist protests for the right and opportunity to work, have equal rights, equal pay and equal social standing- and made them almost compulsory. It is much less acceptable for women to stay at home and raise their children, cook for their husbands and keep a house running as a recognised role/ profession. Oh no! Those lazy bitches should be in the workforce, I tell you!

And so, the roles have become rolled when it comes to other areas of life and couplehood; like Valentine's Day. Uncertainty clouds the minds of people in their pre-Valentine's anticipation. 'Do I buy him something now that I'm working?' and 'Do we both pay when we go out for dinner?' and my personal favourite:
'She's the one that's into the bloody holiday; let her put the effort in. I'll wait and see what happens. Hopefully she'll get me that awesome Man-Toy3000 I've been hinting at after giving her pleasure.'

Amongst conflicting personal views and misinformation, Valentine's Day goes wrong.

4) Society. Okay, okay. I'll rename it. How about... Uh... Capitalism and the Media!
Valentine's Day is number one for the year on the retailer's list of holidays. It kicks off all the others; and 'love' is such a powerful way to guilt trip consumers into buying armloads of crap they didn't really want to buy. Heart-shaped cards that cost $10 and last 10 minutes... Teddy bears that get a squeal of delight, only to be thrown on the shelf for 6 months before the next big clean... Chocolates to make her fatter so she'll complain about her weight more... These things you simply must give your loved one or crush or you're being a bad person. At least, that's what media would have us believe.

5) Expectation. Aha! Got you there, didn't I? You were expecting a certain 's' word that rhymes with... Well, never mind. I win.
Expectation is the worst thing that ever happened to Valentine's Day.
It's the thing that sets you up for failure, or at the very least, disappointment.
When you're a woman, raised in- ah, here it comes- Western society, you come to have expectations of the kind of things that Valentine's is about. You're thinking flowers, chocolates, special and touching words of love and devotion. You're thinking dates, and dinner, and maybe even a chance to show off that sexy new lingerie.

You're also left thinking 'Oh, was that it?' and 'I didn't want that one. Doesn't he know me at all?' and 'Everyone else looks so happy. What's wrong with me/us?'.  Even the toast he brought to you in bed was burnt, and you got crumbs all over the new sheets.
A day that was made to celebrate love and foster closeness in your relationship has just suddenly become a bleak and awkward day that you end up both wanting to avoid.

'There's got to be a way!' you protest. Well, here's the advice of someone that's been around for a few thousand years.

  • Communicate. Let your partner know what Valentine's Day means to you, if anything. If you want those flowers, that romance, then let them know. It's better to talk about it then to play guessing games.
  • Lower your expectations- do you actually need more from your relationship than you have? If the answer is yes, then Valentine's presents won't fix it.
  • Try to give back a little; if making your partner feel loved and happy doesn't make you feel good too, you might be in the wrong relationship. 
  • Try spending time instead of money. It works, I tell you. Do something nice for someone you care about- it shows your love in a thoughtful manner. This can be a love letter (handwritten shows more feeling and effort than type- just saying,) or a quiet afternoon together in a pleasant place, or even getting around to putting up that new fence she wanted *and* painting it, even though she didn't ask you to.
  • If you don't have a 'partner', hang out with your friends and family and let them know that you appreciate them! Love exists in many forms, right?
  •  Make a kind of Valentine's resolution. You know that love doesn't have to be, and in fact shouldn't be, celebrated only on one day of the year. So, from this day onwards, make an effort to show/tell your partner you care every day, even just in small ways. A kiss, a whispered encouragement, a little note on the bedstand.
Above all, I think my cardinal rule is 'have fun with it.'
If there really was a Saint Valentine that looked after all things love related, I think that he'd want you to seek out your meaning of love.
I think he'd want people to practice loving consciously, which means taking responsibility for their part in love and making effort to be accepting, kind and considerate.
I also think that he'd be a really rich bastard because he'd claim the proceeds that come from such a ridiculously expensive holiday!

Sunday 22 January 2012

Awkward Dinosaur tries online dating!

Okay, so. I've been on online dating websites for a few years now. It's the kind of thing you do when you're young and eager and curious, right?

Maybe that was the case for me; some of the messages I received, however, were from people that were on these sites for completely different reasons. So I collected some of the shining jewels of the inbox and posted them here, complete with witty and sarcastic commentary, for your enjoyment.

First off, how not to do it...

The Enthusiastic Sex Machine!

"Let me rock your world ! you said you love amazing sex i can give you more! i love girls like you not too skinny , skinny girls and sex dont mix ! anyway im here holla at me if you want to take this to another stage ! trust me id be more then happy !"

Let's take this apart, starting with the positives. (Yes, there are positives.)
He gets +2 points for reading my profile, and +2 points for a somewhat original starting line. Another +2 points for an upbeat, positive attitude and +1 point for attempted compliment.

Apparently he doesn't know anything about capitalisation or punctuation so he receives -2 points. Another -2 for the huge ego.... 'I can give you more!'. Really? Did you think I was lacking in it? Because believe me, I'm not.

-1 point for use of the word 'holla'. I'm not a 'gangsta' and you shouldn't be either.
An epic -4 points for the compliment-gone-wrong.-1 point for bagging on skinny girls; all girls are beautiful in their own way and I'm quite certain that skinny girls and sex can happen, regardless of his personal preferences.

So, overall, a disappointing -3.


Next up is The Screensaver.

You know; adapts himself to fit every user, is nice to look at but needs some settings changed so that he can be a better screensaver?

First message: "hey, what if your a guy interested in bi girls and erotic hypnosis... ? just saying I'm exploring you know :)"

An hour later: "Hey you seem like a really interesting chick who would be down for some fun and good conversation, would you be keen on maybe watching the inbetweeners ? just thought you'd be into that movie I love the series... anyway you seem real cool and I'd love to learn some stuff from ya X) hope to hear back from you sooon ! :)"

Okay, so to be fair to this guy, he seems nice. Genuine, even.
Still, my knee-jerk response to the first message is 'Yeah, what if?! Fancy that happening...'

Still, +2 points for making an effort to find something I'd be into. +2 for the compliment- I find being told I'm interesting to be quite flattering. +1 for the overall positivity of both messages. +2 points for being open minded and willing to explore.


As to negatives, -2 for capitalisation and punctuation. Also, why has he put spaces between the end of his sentences and the punctuation?!
-1 for the phrase 'chick who would be down for some fun'. That just screams of 'I think you're an easy lay.'
-1 for using the words 'real cool'. I mean, I am, but really.
-1 for the assumption that I'd love to teach him 'stuff'.

Screensaver comes out with a +2. Seems he's ahead of the pack.

Well, there's always the kinky folk! Here's Mr TMI.

"im (insert name here) and ive been readying your prof ...i realy like you and i just wana say i wana be your little toy boi ..make me your little secert i want you to slap me tie me up pee on me and abuse me all you want i just want to be used out doors in the pool any where you want..... what you say about fun now????for you ill do anything from licking your toes to's liking anything of the floor or cleaning up after you hun i will be at your every dirty lil wimp"

Yes! Please! It's what I've always dreamt of... Having an illiterate, desperate male to pee on. Heaven.
Yes, that was sarcasm and I'm not even going to bother grading this one. I can't count quite that far back in negatives.

And, finally, one of the best messages I think I've received yet:

"i'm just curious about your thing...
care to chat???"

I'm curious about my 'thing' too- I didn't think I had one!

Awkward Dinosaur thinks she will just stick to watching porn and meeting geeks at Sci Fi Cons.