Self determination means?...

I recently read a follow up article about what it means to be a social worker. 

The original can be found here and the article that this blog post is based on can be read in full here. 

So, one of the concepts in the article sparked something in me. When talking about the things it means to be in the social work profession, the author stated that "it means bearing constant witness to the self-determination of others, even when the others are self-determined to self-destruct," and that "at least these individuals get to self-destruct with the dignity of choice and with the knowledge that their social worker honored that choice, if nothing else.”

This got me thinking. I like to believe that I respect everyone’s right to self-determination. Absolutely. In theory. The thing is, remembering that it's important when faced with the consequences of the decisions that people make; when faced with the suffering and pain and loss that can come from the right of an individual to choose… That’s hard. 

I think sometimes I judge more than I would like, the actions of others as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, in that automatic, subconscious space that we reserve for first impressions or susceptibility to advertising. When I hear from others day after day their judgments about the actions of these people, that starts to seep in and I start to empathise only with the visibly wronged.

In my job, the abusers become the villains, unless they have obvious trauma or extenuating circumstances of their own, which seem to give a subconscious 'free pass' because we justify why it wasn't their fault through those checkboxes. "Oh, they had a bad childhood. They don't know any better. Someone else got them addicted to heroin." The conversations in my workplace promote the way of thinking that says villains exist and should be punished; too often I've heard other social workers, their voices thick with disgust, say things like "that bastard deserves everything he has coming to him."

… But I know, from training and from lived experience, what a privileged position it is to take, to decide what trauma is valid based on how visible it is and where it falls in my moral spectrum. 

Everyone has trauma of some magnitude and description, and the people who abuse others, who inflict pain and suffering and rage at the world... are often the people who have been hurt the most. 

They are the people who haven’t been shown love and compassion and kindness and patience. 

The people who had their choices restricted, confiscated by the power of drugs and alcohol and violence. 

The choices of people who hit children, or smoke dangerous drugs while pregnant or who hospitalise their wives or stab dairy owners… These are the choices of people who have been rejected, over and over again by society, by family, by themselves. 

There is no hope for them, or so they believe; no visible path forward, no better or other way of doing. Often they are modelling the hurt that’s been inflicted upon them, or else making decisions based on a broken algorithm where information has been left out through no fault of their own. Perhaps this lack of information, of passing on socially acceptable values and ways of living that promote growth instead of destruction, is through no fault of their parents or whanau. 

Perhaps it was never shown to them, either, and the choices that you are witnessing these people make is an inter-generational pattern determined to repeat over and over again despite the best efforts of well meaning people. 

There is comfort in familiarity, even when what is familiar is pain and anger and desperation to escape. Change is one of the hardest things to do as a human being, even when we want to- most of us aren't wired to change easily. 

The conclusion I reach when I stop to think about these things is that I really don't have the right to judge, and nor is it helpful for either party.  I can certainly disagree with their decisions, and often so does the law- but I want to be the one person in their lives that has carefully safeguarded their right to choose. 

I want to be the person that listens to the pain and damage these decisions are signalling, and opens my heart, even while it hurts because I know that doing so might not change anything. 

NB: In writing this, I must make clear that I do not encourage or excuse the actions of people that harm others. I simply feel that judgment is not helpful in working alongside these people, and that change can only occur when compassion and hope are present.