So, you want to play, huh? Good on ya, kid. I won't judge.
It'd be kind of hypocritical of me, seeing as I've been involved in the Kink community since I was 18.
I've made a few mistakes, missed the consequences of a few said mistakes, and paid for others. Now, I'm going to share my observations with you, dear reader, in the hopes that you will at least be aware of the naughty, naughty things you're doing to yourself.
First point, and the topic that all of the 'experienced' people bang on about- Safety.
It's actually important!
As someone interested in becoming involved in a high risk/ high trust hobby/lifestyle/interest, there are a few things you should stop to think about... Or at least pause on the way to your next play event.
Safewords are necessary. They don't have to be boring, if you're too much of an anarchist against the traditional 'Red'. Use whatever makes you feel comfortable* as long as you'll remember it in the middle of getting your first enema. *(You may have to use the traffic light system at certain venues or events, as a safety rule. Don't know what the traffic light system or a safeword is? Look here. )
Some other food for thought for your hungry brains: who else knows where you are?
Going to someone's house for a play date or meeting up at a private event is the same as getting into a stranger's car, or walking through a popular park late at night. Set up a safe call with a friend; get them to be around so you can call them at a certain time, and then get them to call you at a certain time a couple hours later. Txt them when you're safe home. It might sound inconvenient, but your life is worth it, right?
Any kinkster worth their salt will be completely fine with you making these arrangements; the better ones will laud it!
Next point: Communication.
You have the right to communicate your wants and needs. People aren't often aware of this, especially those in a submissive role. Your fantasies play a part in this game. If you don't have any yet, go watch porn, read books, talk to people, go to a local munch or kink event, join Fetlife. Discovering your sexuality is an exciting thing and I guarantee you that no matter how 'out there' you think your desire or fetish is, there are other people passionate about it too.
If you're playing with someone (or in a committed D/s relationship etc) with someone that isn't okay with you voicing your needs (and being told to 'shut the fuck up and get on all fours because you're not worth listening to' isn't one of your kinks,) then you need to be examining if that relationship is safe for you.
Everyone, even the most submissive of all slaves, deserves to be heard, to be treated with respect and to have limits and desires. (In some relationships, these desires and limits are decided by the person on top of the power dynamic, but even then it should always be after a negotiated discussion with the submissive partner.)
Now, I hate to sound like an old nana here, but make sure you mind your manners! Respect and basic courtesy are just nice to use anywhere, with anyone, let alone in a situation where you're exposing an intimate part of your personality to someone. Remember that play is consensual, and the other person chose to gift you with their trust, so a thank you now and then is nice.
Learn the expectations for events and clubs that you go to- it usually isn't difficult at all to find out what they are. Try asking the organisers, the owners, or even some of the other patrons. As a general rule, don't interrupt a scene that someone else is doing, make sure that you negotiate consent before playing with someone and try not to judge others negatively. There's a saying for that:
"Your kink is not my kink, and that's okay."
Speaking of, I must reinforce that it is okay for you to not want to do what someone else is doing.
You're entering a wide, fantastical world of rubber suits, polyamorous relationships, pony play, fire cupping, kidnap scenes, adult babies, sexual objectification... The list goes on but don't let it intimidate you.
What you're okay with is what you're okay with, and there's nothing wrong with having a small and select arena of likes.
Don't let people tell you that you're too 'vanilla' or try and pressure you into 'just trying' play piercing or rope suspension. If you're not sure, just say you'd like to think about it, or that you don't want to. I've found that I often need to give myself time to observe, to learn, to question my feelings on certain kinks and activities before beginning to experiment with them.
It's also not a big deal to have a list of interests that fills a few pages. I have to trim the 'public list' down now and then so it doesn't get too unwieldy. Some people have one love, one passion that they focus all of their energy into and others have many special things that they do, some with different people or groups, some on their own, some in their fantasies. There is no hard and fast rule.
Hmm, let's see... What other gems of wisdom can I find for you young whippersnappers?
Ah, yes. Do what I just did and ask a question!
"How do you stop the ropes from digging into her ribcage?" "Why is that man wearing a dress?" "What is this odd metal disc for?" "What's the difference between a Pro Domme and a Fem Domme?"
There are millions of questions in a world as diverse and specialised as this, and most people love to talk about the things they love.
Now, here are a few notes that may be a little contentious, and are aimed specifically at you youngsters: If you are a young lady getting into kink, be aware that there is often a tendency to 'meat market'. Men, women, particularly older men in my observation, have a tendency to try their luck with the pretty young ladies. Who can blame them? ;) Most of them do it respectfully, but it's worth asking around about if there's anyone (non gender specific) that you should watch out for or be especially aware of.
Make sure you confirm your sources from a few different people though, and only use this as a guideline- gossip and rumour are as rife in the kink scene as they are anywhere else.
Your intuition makes the best guide.
If you're a little nervous about the idea of being fresh meat, try going to a TNG munch (especially for newbies) like this one, or look around in some of the online groups to make friends that can back you up when you go to general events.
For the young gentlemen interested in being Dominants: The only way to get good at something is to practice. No one minds that you don't know anything- in fact, they expect that you're as green as a sapling. Get involved! Go to rope bondage classes, spanking workshops, ask that guy over there how he manages to get such lovely marks with his flogger. Advertise for a mentor, or watch other people playing.
Practice flogging on cushions, knife play on tomatoes, wax play on yourself. Read things! The internet is full of smutty ideas and how-to guides.
Sadly, a lot of the young men that I've observed getting into kink don their Impenetrable Confidence Armour and everyone thinks they're a pumped up dick that plays dangerously and gets into pissing contests with the older Doms. Don't be that guy.
Realistically, what this comes down to, regardless of gender, is talk to people. They might have an idea. Or two. Or they mightn't, and you might have to learn together. There is no loss in being curious about the world. In saying that, I must reinforce one of the points I made earlier- don't get sucked into rumour mills and drama. People have a lot of very strong opinons about what is okay in kink, what's not, who is sleeping with too many people, who has an odd kink, whether sex is okay or totally not acceptable in BDSM...
It's all just power plays.
Form your own opinions of people, kinks, situations, ideas and respect other peoples'. You do not have to explain yourself, you do not have to share the opinion of the majority, and so long as you're playing safely, sanely and consensually you don't have to feel bad about anything that you choose to do.
Right, so we've talked about safety. Also communication. General handy advice. Oh yes, the most important tenet of all... Enjoy yourself! Go get 'em, you sexual lil deviant.
BDSM is a wide, wide world with many other interesting topics such as:
It'd be kind of hypocritical of me, seeing as I've been involved in the Kink community since I was 18.
I've made a few mistakes, missed the consequences of a few said mistakes, and paid for others. Now, I'm going to share my observations with you, dear reader, in the hopes that you will at least be aware of the naughty, naughty things you're doing to yourself.
First point, and the topic that all of the 'experienced' people bang on about- Safety.
It's actually important!
As someone interested in becoming involved in a high risk/ high trust hobby/lifestyle/interest, there are a few things you should stop to think about... Or at least pause on the way to your next play event.
Safewords are necessary. They don't have to be boring, if you're too much of an anarchist against the traditional 'Red'. Use whatever makes you feel comfortable* as long as you'll remember it in the middle of getting your first enema. *(You may have to use the traffic light system at certain venues or events, as a safety rule. Don't know what the traffic light system or a safeword is? Look here. )
Some other food for thought for your hungry brains: who else knows where you are?
Going to someone's house for a play date or meeting up at a private event is the same as getting into a stranger's car, or walking through a popular park late at night. Set up a safe call with a friend; get them to be around so you can call them at a certain time, and then get them to call you at a certain time a couple hours later. Txt them when you're safe home. It might sound inconvenient, but your life is worth it, right?
Any kinkster worth their salt will be completely fine with you making these arrangements; the better ones will laud it!
Next point: Communication.
You have the right to communicate your wants and needs. People aren't often aware of this, especially those in a submissive role. Your fantasies play a part in this game. If you don't have any yet, go watch porn, read books, talk to people, go to a local munch or kink event, join Fetlife. Discovering your sexuality is an exciting thing and I guarantee you that no matter how 'out there' you think your desire or fetish is, there are other people passionate about it too.
If you're playing with someone (or in a committed D/s relationship etc) with someone that isn't okay with you voicing your needs (and being told to 'shut the fuck up and get on all fours because you're not worth listening to' isn't one of your kinks,) then you need to be examining if that relationship is safe for you.
Everyone, even the most submissive of all slaves, deserves to be heard, to be treated with respect and to have limits and desires. (In some relationships, these desires and limits are decided by the person on top of the power dynamic, but even then it should always be after a negotiated discussion with the submissive partner.)
Now, I hate to sound like an old nana here, but make sure you mind your manners! Respect and basic courtesy are just nice to use anywhere, with anyone, let alone in a situation where you're exposing an intimate part of your personality to someone. Remember that play is consensual, and the other person chose to gift you with their trust, so a thank you now and then is nice.
Learn the expectations for events and clubs that you go to- it usually isn't difficult at all to find out what they are. Try asking the organisers, the owners, or even some of the other patrons. As a general rule, don't interrupt a scene that someone else is doing, make sure that you negotiate consent before playing with someone and try not to judge others negatively. There's a saying for that:
"Your kink is not my kink, and that's okay."
Speaking of, I must reinforce that it is okay for you to not want to do what someone else is doing.
You're entering a wide, fantastical world of rubber suits, polyamorous relationships, pony play, fire cupping, kidnap scenes, adult babies, sexual objectification... The list goes on but don't let it intimidate you.
What you're okay with is what you're okay with, and there's nothing wrong with having a small and select arena of likes.
Don't let people tell you that you're too 'vanilla' or try and pressure you into 'just trying' play piercing or rope suspension. If you're not sure, just say you'd like to think about it, or that you don't want to. I've found that I often need to give myself time to observe, to learn, to question my feelings on certain kinks and activities before beginning to experiment with them.
It's also not a big deal to have a list of interests that fills a few pages. I have to trim the 'public list' down now and then so it doesn't get too unwieldy. Some people have one love, one passion that they focus all of their energy into and others have many special things that they do, some with different people or groups, some on their own, some in their fantasies. There is no hard and fast rule.
Hmm, let's see... What other gems of wisdom can I find for you young whippersnappers?
Ah, yes. Do what I just did and ask a question!
"How do you stop the ropes from digging into her ribcage?" "Why is that man wearing a dress?" "What is this odd metal disc for?" "What's the difference between a Pro Domme and a Fem Domme?"
There are millions of questions in a world as diverse and specialised as this, and most people love to talk about the things they love.
Now, here are a few notes that may be a little contentious, and are aimed specifically at you youngsters: If you are a young lady getting into kink, be aware that there is often a tendency to 'meat market'. Men, women, particularly older men in my observation, have a tendency to try their luck with the pretty young ladies. Who can blame them? ;) Most of them do it respectfully, but it's worth asking around about if there's anyone (non gender specific) that you should watch out for or be especially aware of.
Make sure you confirm your sources from a few different people though, and only use this as a guideline- gossip and rumour are as rife in the kink scene as they are anywhere else.
Your intuition makes the best guide.
If you're a little nervous about the idea of being fresh meat, try going to a TNG munch (especially for newbies) like this one, or look around in some of the online groups to make friends that can back you up when you go to general events.
For the young gentlemen interested in being Dominants: The only way to get good at something is to practice. No one minds that you don't know anything- in fact, they expect that you're as green as a sapling. Get involved! Go to rope bondage classes, spanking workshops, ask that guy over there how he manages to get such lovely marks with his flogger. Advertise for a mentor, or watch other people playing.
Practice flogging on cushions, knife play on tomatoes, wax play on yourself. Read things! The internet is full of smutty ideas and how-to guides.
Sadly, a lot of the young men that I've observed getting into kink don their Impenetrable Confidence Armour and everyone thinks they're a pumped up dick that plays dangerously and gets into pissing contests with the older Doms. Don't be that guy.
Realistically, what this comes down to, regardless of gender, is talk to people. They might have an idea. Or two. Or they mightn't, and you might have to learn together. There is no loss in being curious about the world. In saying that, I must reinforce one of the points I made earlier- don't get sucked into rumour mills and drama. People have a lot of very strong opinons about what is okay in kink, what's not, who is sleeping with too many people, who has an odd kink, whether sex is okay or totally not acceptable in BDSM...
It's all just power plays.
Form your own opinions of people, kinks, situations, ideas and respect other peoples'. You do not have to explain yourself, you do not have to share the opinion of the majority, and so long as you're playing safely, sanely and consensually you don't have to feel bad about anything that you choose to do.
Right, so we've talked about safety. Also communication. General handy advice. Oh yes, the most important tenet of all... Enjoy yourself! Go get 'em, you sexual lil deviant.
BDSM is a wide, wide world with many other interesting topics such as:
- what to expect at your first play party
- just why are you weirdos into this anyway,
- How to tell or avoid telling family/ friends/ co-workers about your deviant interests and
- I'm not really kinky but I'd like some ideas for the bedroom.
