Kink and You: A Young Person's Guide to Debauchery.

So, you want to play, huh? Good on ya, kid. I won't judge.
It'd be kind of hypocritical of me, seeing as I've been involved in the Kink community since I was 18.
I've made a few mistakes, missed the consequences of a few said mistakes, and paid for others. Now, I'm going to share my observations with you, dear reader, in the hopes that you will at least be aware of the naughty, naughty things you're doing to yourself.

First point, and the topic that all of the 'experienced' people bang on about- Safety.
It's actually important!
As someone interested in becoming involved in a high risk/ high trust hobby/lifestyle/interest, there are a few things you should stop to think about... Or at least pause on the way to your next play event.

Safewords are necessary. They don't have to be boring, if you're too much of an anarchist against the traditional 'Red'. Use whatever makes you feel comfortable* as long as you'll remember it in the middle of getting your first enema. *(You may have to use the traffic light system at certain venues or events, as a safety rule. Don't know what the traffic light system or a safeword is? Look here. )

Some other food for thought for your hungry brains: who else knows where you are?
Going to someone's house for a play date or meeting up at a private event is the same as getting into a stranger's car, or walking through a popular park late at night. Set up a safe call with a friend; get them to be around so you can call them at a certain time, and then get them to call you at a certain time a couple hours later. Txt them when you're safe home. It might sound inconvenient, but your life is worth it, right?
Any kinkster worth their salt will be completely fine with you making these arrangements; the better ones will laud it!

Next point: Communication.
You have the right to communicate your wants and needs. People aren't often aware of this, especially those in a submissive role. Your fantasies play a part in this game. If you don't have any yet, go watch porn, read books, talk to people, go to a local munch or kink event, join Fetlife. Discovering your sexuality is an exciting thing and I guarantee you that no matter how 'out there' you think your desire or fetish is, there are other people passionate about it too.
If you're playing with someone (or in a committed D/s relationship etc) with someone that isn't okay with you voicing your needs (and being told to 'shut the fuck up and get on all fours because you're not worth listening to' isn't one of your kinks,) then you need to be examining if that relationship is safe for you.
Everyone, even the most submissive of all slaves, deserves to be heard, to be treated with respect and to have limits and desires. (In some relationships, these desires and limits are decided by the person on top of the power dynamic, but even then it should always be after a negotiated discussion with the submissive partner.)

Now, I hate to sound like an old nana here, but make sure you mind your manners! Respect and basic courtesy are just nice to use anywhere, with anyone, let alone in a situation where you're exposing an intimate part of your personality to someone. Remember that play is consensual, and the other person chose to gift you with their trust, so a thank you now and then is nice.
Learn the expectations for events and clubs that you go to- it usually isn't difficult at all to find out what they are. Try asking the organisers, the owners, or even some of the other patrons. As a general rule, don't interrupt a scene that someone else is doing, make sure that you negotiate consent before playing with someone and try not to judge others negatively. There's a saying for that:
 "Your kink is not my kink, and that's okay."

Speaking of, I must reinforce that it is okay for you to not want to do what someone else is doing.
You're entering a wide, fantastical world of rubber suits, polyamorous relationships, pony play, fire cupping, kidnap scenes, adult babies, sexual objectification... The list goes on but don't let it intimidate you.
What you're okay with is what you're okay with, and there's nothing wrong with having a small and select arena of likes.

Don't let people tell you that you're too 'vanilla' or try and pressure you into 'just trying' play piercing or rope suspension. If you're not sure, just say you'd like to think about it, or that you don't want to. I've found that I often need to give myself time to observe, to learn, to question my feelings on certain kinks and activities before beginning to experiment with them.

It's also not a big deal to have a list of interests that fills a few pages. I have to trim the 'public list' down now and then so it doesn't get too unwieldy. Some people have one love, one passion that they focus all of their energy into and others have many special things that they do, some with different people or groups, some on their own, some in their fantasies. There is no hard and fast rule.

Hmm, let's see... What other gems of wisdom can I find for you young whippersnappers?
Ah, yes. Do what I just did and ask a question!
"How do you stop the ropes from digging into her ribcage?" "Why is that man wearing a dress?" "What is this odd metal disc for?" "What's the difference between a Pro Domme and a Fem Domme?"
There are millions of questions in a world as diverse and specialised as this, and most people love to talk about the things they love.

Now, here are a few notes that may be a little contentious, and are aimed specifically at you youngsters: If you are a young lady getting into kink, be aware that there is often a tendency to 'meat market'. Men, women, particularly older men in my observation, have a tendency to try their luck with the pretty young ladies. Who can blame them? ;) Most of them do it respectfully, but it's worth asking around about if there's anyone (non gender specific) that you should watch out for or be especially aware of.
Make sure you confirm your sources from a few different people though, and only use this as a guideline- gossip and rumour are as rife in the kink scene as they are anywhere else.
Your intuition makes the best guide.

If you're a little nervous about the idea of being fresh meat, try going to a TNG  munch (especially for newbies) like this one, or look around in some of the online groups to make friends that can back you up when you go to general events.

For the young gentlemen interested in being Dominants: The only way to get good at something is to practice. No one minds that you don't know anything- in fact, they expect that you're as green as a sapling. Get involved! Go to rope bondage classes, spanking workshops, ask that guy over there how he manages to get such lovely marks with his flogger. Advertise for a mentor, or watch other people playing.
Practice flogging on cushions, knife play on tomatoes, wax play on yourself. Read things! The internet is full of smutty ideas and how-to guides.

Sadly, a lot of the young men that I've observed getting into kink don their Impenetrable Confidence Armour and everyone thinks they're a pumped up dick that plays dangerously and gets into pissing contests with the older Doms. Don't be that guy.

Realistically, what this comes down to, regardless of gender, is talk to people. They might have an idea. Or two. Or they mightn't, and you might have to learn together. There is no loss in being curious about the world. In saying that, I must reinforce one of the points I made earlier- don't get sucked into rumour mills and drama. People have a lot of very strong opinons about what is okay in kink, what's not, who is sleeping with too many people, who has an odd kink, whether sex is okay or totally not acceptable in BDSM...
It's all just power plays.
Form your own opinions of people, kinks, situations, ideas and respect other peoples'. You do not have to explain yourself, you do not have to share the opinion of the majority, and so long as you're playing safely, sanely and consensually you don't have to feel bad about anything that you choose to do.

Right, so we've talked about safety. Also communication. General handy advice. Oh yes, the most important tenet of all... Enjoy yourself! Go get 'em, you sexual lil deviant.

BDSM is a wide, wide world with many other interesting topics such as:

• what to expect at your first play party
•  just why are you weirdos into this anyway,  
• How to tell or avoid telling family/ friends/ co-workers about your deviant interests and
• I'm not really kinky but I'd like some ideas for the bedroom.

I will cover these topics in my next post. Rawr!

What happened in 2012?

Well, I'm gonna tell you. I saw this on one of my friends' blogs and found it quite inspiring.
So, here's a breakdown of my 2012:

January

In January, I was living in a bedroom. My flatmate Lyn, a strict and somewhat 'traditional' Chinese woman had some very odd rules that made my life difficult. I wasn't allowed to drink alcohol, my male guests weren't allowed to use the toilet and I was supposed to store my mugs and glasses in seperate cupboards. Weird.
I was experiencing some pretty bad depression in January- I didn't have too many close friends, I was broke and I was missing my partner at the time, DancingBear, like crazy.

It was towards the end of this month that some unpleasantness happened with a few close friends and someone I really liked slipped through my net of opportunity. I was, however, running a game of Forgotten Realms D&D with a really great group of people. (Geek).

February

In February, I decided to apply to study rehabilitation at Massey University. I also received a letter telling me that I was entitled to a $3000 odd tax refund- I hadn't claimed any for a few years, and it had accumulated. Yay! I decided to use that money to visit America, a lifelong dream, and DancingBear. It was the best holiday of my life! So many amazing experiences- I'm definitely planning to go back.
I started playing a Star Wars MMO this month- super awesome. 

I also ended up in hospital around a week after I went to the States... I had an odd pain in my side that the doctor thought might be appendicitis. It turned out to be Mystery Illness #22 and we never did get answers.
One of my best friends Mikaela came back to NZ from Canada and I got to hang out with her. :)

March

This was the month that I met TJ, my current partner. We had our first official date on the 9th, at Silo Park in the city watching the legendary film 'Labyrinth'.
It was also the month that DancingBear and I ended our long distance relationship.
I moved out of Lyn's place and in with TJ and his best mate, Scott. I introduced TJ to a female friend of mine, K, who became a close play partner with both of us for a few months.

April

I was introduced to the concept of 'Earth Hour' in this month. I was really excited and saw an opportunity to have an earth hour once a month- good for us, good for the environment!
Scott, TJ and I got drunk and played 'I have never' while the lights were off. It was an experience :P

I was also super ill in April- it seemed to be one thing after another. Colds, bruises, severely injured kneecap...

May

May was the month I started playing Vampire the Masquerade, a tabletop rpg about, well, vampires. (Geek.)
I also handed over the reigns on my D&D campaign so that I and the group could embark on the adventures of playing Savage Worlds; Interface Zero.

June

During this time, TJ was going through some pretty severe emotional troubles and I was finding it difficult to have energy for much outside our relationship.TJ surprised me by proposing! It was very sweet and romantic and he made sure that all of my friends were there to embarass me :P

It also happened to be Scott's birthday this month and so I organised a secret birthday party for him.
I organised his family and friends to meet us at this fancy Indian restaurant in the city and told him 'put a nice shirt on, we're going out.' He was so surprised! <3

July

July was a month of adventure!
I discovered the Avondale Markets, which are full of culture and cheap awesome things! You can find more information here.

I also went on a roadtrip with TJ to Rotorua. We had an amazing time- petting lion cubs, bathing in mineral hot pools and camping in a field of beautiful white ice.
We stayed at this amazing holiday park which I would definitely recommend if you're heading that way!

July was also the month that we decided to leave our house at Range View Rd. We were... looking for adventure, I suppose. We found a large house in Avondale that fit all of us and lived happily ever after. At least, mostly happily. One of our flatmates decided to move out after just a couple of months and we couldn't make rent without them, so there was a stressful period in which I had to find someone that would fit with our flat in just a week!

TJ's birthday is in July too! So... I planned a secret surprise birthday for him. First, on the eve of his birthday, a cake and presents, a nice dinner and some friends over. Then, I organised a Mexican Fiesta at Mexicali in the city on the next night with a bunch of our friends- margaritas and quesadillas for all! We went bowling afterwards and I was pretty pleased with myself.

August

Was uneventful. Really the only thing of note was Father's Day and I had to celebrate that without my dad. In fact, I have not seen him despite assurances to the contrary since December 2011. I sorta kinda wish I had a 'real' family sometimes.

Around this time, things with TJ's ex wife got quite heated. Ah, the joys of having to deal with ex partners because of children. 

September

TJ and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary (yes, we are that lame!).
We also attended his annual work function, which, for someone with Aspergers and someone with social anxiety was quite the ordeal. The chicken was delicious, though.

I achieved a long held small-dream of mine this month. I finally got around to running an erotic hypnosis workshop. It was held in Hamilton and it went really well. I'm so glad that I could help to improve peoples' lives and relationships through teaching new skills.

October

My favourite month! Mostly because my birthday is right at the beginning of it. I was completely and totally spoilt by TJ! He organised a super secret lunch at Elliot Stables for me with two of my dearest friends, Joel and Mikaela. We then went to a hotel he had booked after, with wine and chocolates and a spa bath in room. He bought me the most amazing presents, and we had an early dinner at Mexicali on K Rd, complete with margaritas.
I spent all of his money that night on booze and strippers... Classy.

October is also when halloween is. TJ and I decided that we would take the little ones trick or treating. B, the eldest, was super excited and let me dress him up like a zombie. I was a sugar witch! N, the youngest, decided that he didn't want to do that silly dressing up thing.

Disappointingly, almost no one in our neighbourhood was celebrating halloween- the boys got like, 2 houses for candy. So, we took them to the Light Party down at the local park where there was a petting zoo and some free rides.
NZ really disappoints me at Halloween. It's such a fun holiday!

November

Ah, the start of the Christmas festivities! We went to the Farmers' Santa Parade with the kids, which was, as usual, amazingly fun. This year they also did an awesome thing with Aotea Square where Santa had a party with music, food and rides.

TJ and I started going to couples' counselling so that we could strengthen our communication. It didn't really work in the way we wanted it to, but fortunately we managed to figure things out on our own.

During this month TJ met someone. A girl. He really liked her, and as usual, she turned out to be crazy. They had organised a date (okay, so it was my idea,) to go to a Christmas Burlesque show on K Rd.
She ended up flipping the crazy switch before their date, so I accompanied TJ instead and we had a lovely date at our first ever burlesque show.

November was the time I started playing my tabletop love, Exalted. (Geeeeek.) Ah. Now, it would take far too much of your time for me to explain exactly what it is, but needless to say TJ is chained to the coffee table, reference books and dice permanently glued next to him, to be used as my personal GM for this entrancing game.

December

Party month!

Two weeks before Christmas was my eldest son's birthday. He turned 7. We had birthday cupcakes and played Monopoly ^_^

A couple of days later I was at Christmas in the Park with Scott, Joel and Mikaela. It was so much fun! Good food, good Christmas spirit and a whole lot of tweenagers getting drunk and saying embarrassing things.

Christmas was an emotional time for me. I'm always reminded of my family, or lack of, and I long for days of my youth where such a fuss was made and I actually had presents under the tree. So, this year I made a decision- I was going to make Christmas happen. My Christmas, the one I remembered from my childhood. Food, presents, lights, a tree, people.
I did it, too! I pulled off an amazing Christmas day and got to spend time with my friends and loved ones.

December was also a month of change- TJ and I decided to find our own place together, which will be an interesting step forward in our relationship. I also followed one of my new dreams... To be a patisserie chef. I have enrolled, and been accepted, into a patisserie course through AUT.  I'm going to be the best damn pastry chef in Auckland.


That was my 2012-  how was yours?

Sometimes, love is hard.

There is a lot I have to say, as usual. The first is: thank you. Mostly, for being so patient with me during the long, wordless months as I get my life into some semblance of order.

I've not been idle! Oh no, quite the opposite. My life has changed dramatically, as it tends to, in just a few short months. As with many changes, there are lessons to be taken note of; information about how one should or should not go about things.

The primary piece of information that I have learnt over these past few long, blog-less months is- (ta~da!) that love is hard. Yes, you got it- the title is the post content. Original!

Waxing serious for a moment though- it just floors me how amazing and complex human emotions are when it comes to interpersonal relations. When I was thirteen, I thought I understood love and relationships. It was being excited to see someone, hanging out with them at lunchtime, stealing hugs and maybe kisses that seem so very naughty behind the P.E shed.
I loved wholly, unreservedly and a little naively when I was thirteen.
Then it ends, you're hurt and you learn from it; and if you're lucky or determined, you find someone else to love.

When I was sixteen I also thought I knew what love was. Feeling a bond to someone, saying 'I love you', sharing experiences, even moving out of home and into their one bedroom place because you totally went out with an older guy that had a car and a stable job so he could provide for you. That's part of love, riiiight?
Of course, at sixteen, often sex comes into the picture (if it hasn't already,) and you can't imagine what life was like without all of those soppy text messages and those interesting facts filling your teenage mind about his early days in a band.

By twenty, I was an expert. I'd been in polyamorous relationships, lesbian relationships, open relationships, alternative sexuality relationships. I had the experience of having relationships that had no convenient label, which is usually when one decides that labels are too 'stifling' and forgoes them completely.
If someone asked me what love was, I'd have an answer ready, at the tip of my acerbically witty tongue, rolling off words like 'commitment', 'deeper understanding' and 'shared interests'.

Now that I'm twenty four, I know something else. I know how hard it is to stay calm when someone you care about is hurting. I know the courage it takes to get up every morning, knowing that you're in a situation with another person that is less than ideal and that both of you are going to be grumpy and tired and that's before you've even got the kids' breakfast and wheedled them into cleaning their room.

I know how frustrating it is to be speaking plain English to someone that's less than a foot away from you and they still don't get what you're saying... Yet they're taking the time to sit there and listen and try to puzzle it out and that gives you a sense of being 'heard' that you've never fully appreciated before.

I know how it feels to be vulnerable to someone else, to intentionally let go of everything that I hide, not only from the world with make up and carefully taken pictures posted to the Internet and an impeccable, intimidating intellect, but from myself- things that I shy from acknowledging because secretly I think they make me less attractive, less 'good,' less lovable. I am lucky enough to know how it feels to have someone that accepts those parts of me... And knowledgeable enough to know what it would be like if they didn't.

In my relationship world, words happen, so often. I talk and talk and still, the problems are there. I laugh, I love and I yell. There is tension and confusion and then something wondrous happens.

I realise that I am still there. 

Somewhere, in the late night curled on the sofa in my old nightie with my hair an unruly mop and my unkempt legs, I realised that even though it was difficult I was still trying.
That for once in my life, I had the strength to overcome the urge to flee, to protect myself from potential harm because there was more to it than just me, now. 
That with angry scowls, stinging rebukes and a hand flung into the air in a gesture of helpless, final, frustration... I had learnt to control my fear and open the delicate core of myself to a human being that was completely different from me.
I realised, with a smug, self contented clarity that I'd not experienced before, that the man sitting opposite me in his snug grey PJ pants nestled up against the cacti of my legs was still trying. That he, for all of his pain and baggage, was trying to be worthy of my trust, trying to be just as open and raw and was ejecting his feelings again and again and again in a painful regurgitation of honesty that I had to admire.

I realised that sometimes, love is supposed to be difficult.

Finally, I'd grown up enough to understand commitment. To understand that even though things seemed much the same as they had before in other times with other people; that it was different.
Every day we love each other is a day of success for our relationship. Every moment is a chance for growth, every fight an opportunity to comprehend the other a little more.

Slowly, I'm learning to struggle with what unconditional love really means, and to question whether or not I'm capable of it. I'm learning that love is about teaching and learning and having opinions and not saying them sometimes. That it's compromise and stubbornness and disgust and affection.
Love is personal, secret, blatant, biased, inconvenient and beautiful.

Everyone has their own definition of it. I would think, though, that 'difficult' would be a word shared in many stories of love, over many generations. 
Of course, when I'm twenty seven, I'll look at this post. I'll shake my head. Perhaps tut a little. Then, I will smile at the discovery of what love really is, because I'll be older and wiser and much more experienced- all the better to make pinhole judgements of what the indefinable word 'love' really means.

Yoga for Relationships

I was reading a blog post today, about the way the author saw relationships.
He stated in his post "And girls should never change for guys. He’ll never notice love."

I don't believe this is true, in a certain light. In my mind, it's correct because you should change only if you believe you want to. However, also in my mind, relationships should strive to be a mutual growth of both partners. Love is a changeable thing- when you're in a relationship for many years, the love deepens, mutates, shuffles sideways and backwards and into lukewarm then fiery passionate then deep, solid trust and affection and all the places past and inbetween.

You need to change to stay with it, to understand it. You need to respect yourself and how you want to be and reach for that, while at the same time understand and respecting your partners needs and wishes. If my partner wanted me to change, I would consider it seriously. If I felt like I wanted to change something for myself, I would definitely give it a go.

In the past, I've had an interesting relationship with change. Sometimes, I've felt like others needed to change because obviously I was perfect and they were the problem.
Sometimes, I've felt like both of us needed to change and I was but they weren't even trying.
Occasionally, I felt like I grew past the person I was with and needed to leave the relationship so that they could understand how they needed to grow by experiencing life without me supporting them.

The basic point I'm trying to make is that I believe that gender doesn't and shouldn't enter into personal and inter-relationship development. Whether or not people need to change is unique to the relationship and the circumstances around it.
An addendum to this is that guys should not get to play the stereotype card to get away with ignorance and lack of appreciation in a relationship.
'He'll never notice love' is a very strong statement to make.
It implies that you practicing consideration will not be acknowledged.
It implies that females are the only ones that can see and appreciate sacrifice and compromise.

I try never to take my partner for granted and I expect the same courtesy. If you're with someone that:

•  isn't appreciative of the effort you put in (the actual effort, not just all the things you come up with to make them feel like you're shouldering the brunt of responsibility in the relationship,)
•  isn't  looking after themselves even though you've talked with them about it (the talking is important- you perhaps should not expect your partner to know what you want/ what you're thinking instinctively.)
• leaves you feeling like you're responsible for the wellbeing of the relationship single-handedly, or
• doesn't grow and change with you to the point where you are two completely different people with different goals on different levels...

then it may be time for you to strongly and ruthlessly evaluate your relationship needs and future.
Have high expectations of your partner, as well as yourself- (within respectful boundaries and acceptance of who they are as a person- ha! You thought that one was gonna be easy, didn't you?) - after all, if you don't believe in them and think they can be more than they are, who will?
Challenge, exceed expectations, be better because you can, lift them up, inspire them.
And, lastly, love without condition as best you can. He/she should notice and if he/she loves you, they'll try to do the same for you.

Honey, how do you feel about Spiritual Enlightment Classes?

Relationships. They're one of the things that we begin to learn about early in life and yet they're one of the things that we seem to have the most difficulty with.
By 'we', I am speaking of people in general. If you are comfortable and experienced with awesome relationships, then clearly this post is not about you. Well done.

'In mature love, we do not look to our partner to provide our happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry, for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.' (Meinecke, author of 'Everybody Marries the Wrong Person').

I read that in a rather lengthy article here and it really struck a chord with me. Growing up and learning to deal with increasingly complex social and romantic relationships is a hard deal.(I will also note early on in this post that part of that lengthy article is based on marriage whereas I am referring in this post to long term romantic relationships in general).
 Where's the guidebook with the decision tree that tells you what will happen if you say this, or don't do that?
Or that handy reference section that details the best possible reactions to every emotionally volatile situation?
The answer: It doesn't exist.
However, the above quote very closely resembles my adult philosophy on romantic interactions with others. It wasn't a hard thing for me to accept that my happiness is something that I alone am responsible for.
It was, however, and continues to be, a learning curve in finding the sometimes hidden expectations about relationships that I carry with me.

'Invariably, we yearn for perfection but are stuck with an imperfect human being. We all fall in love with people we think will deliver us from life's wounds but who wind up knowing how to rub against us... If we fail to plumb ourselves and speak up for our deepest needs, which admittedly can be a scary prospect, life will never feel authentic, we will never see ourselves with any clarity, and everyone will always be the wrong partner.' (Boston Family Therapist, Terry Real, quoted from same article here).

This is not necessarily new information for me, but it certainly struck home the fact that it really is about me. It's about how I am growing as a person, and whether or not I'm considerate, thoughtful, loving and able to recognise my flaws and compensate for them. It's about if I can grow as a person, as well as grow with another person in a way that is healthy and feels good for both of us.

Another quote from the Very Long Article: 'Relationship identities are negotiated between two individuals. Relationships are not static ideals; they are always works in progress.'

How true is this?! I mean, just in the last year I have grown so much as an individual that I can barely be compared to the same person that I was. If I have changed and my needs and goals and interests have changed and evolved, then what happens to a relationship that I'm in during that time?
Learning to communicate how I feel and the changes that I'm going through personally have served to bring closeness to my relationships during periods of transition. Giving my significant other/s an idea of how I've changed and where I want to be has allowed me the freedom to explore in a respectful and considerate way.

One thing I will say as a general disclaimer- Yes, I recognise that it is okay for relationships to not work out.
I understand that people can grow apart, in different directions with issues or needs that are unacceptable to the other person. I also understand that sometimes people are not willing to compromise standards or expectations that are of importance to them and this means that the person they are with is not the right one for that situation.
I do believe though that if you're in a relationship that you want to continue, but there are things that you view as an issue with your partner, you should take a look at yourself first. It's important.

I will also argue that the statement:
 'People who cheated in one or more previous relationships are not great mate material. They destroy the trust and intimacy basic to building a relationship. It's possible to make a case for a partner who cheats once, against his own values, but not for one who compulsively and repeatedly strays.'(William Doherty, professor of psychology at University of Minnesota,) is not one that I totally agree with.

This is probably stated from the perspective of a person, professional though they may be, that believes in the practice of monogamous relationships. Of course, you can cheat in open relationships- it's all about the honest communication after all- and his point would still stand.

I do not believe that a person who has cheated in a previous relationship should be automatically written off as 'not great mate material'. I could be biased, having cheated on a previous partner myself before discovering the avenue of open and polyamorous relationships, but I really do think that there's something to be thought about here.
A statement that would sound more accurate to me would be something like 'A person that lies consistently is a person to think carefully about being in an intimate relationship with.' I mean, it's really the deception that breaks trust and intimacy as well as the lack of pre-communication about needs and feelings.
As before stated though, people grow and change and learn and make decisions that impact their values and the way that they interact with others. It's entirely feasible for that lying, cheating person to become someone that is honest and respectful.

That aside, here's a statement that reflects my current situation in terms of relationships:

 'One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It's hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don't know what your needs or values are or haven't developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.'

I am still growing, learning, adapting, making mistakes, finding the values and passions and directions that I would like my life to have. I have a sneaking suspicion that because human beings are so adaptive and the nature of life is so changeable, that any one individual will never really be able to say with complete and lasting clarity 'This is what I want.'
From this comes the realisation that the onething that is super important is flexibility and a willingness to compromise. This includes with yourself, with your partner and with Life itself.

Have fun with it, love as you feel love should be and remember the whole 'when you point at someone there are three fingers pointing back at you' rule.