Sometimes, love is hard.

There is a lot I have to say, as usual. The first is: thank you. Mostly, for being so patient with me during the long, wordless months as I get my life into some semblance of order.

I've not been idle! Oh no, quite the opposite. My life has changed dramatically, as it tends to, in just a few short months. As with many changes, there are lessons to be taken note of; information about how one should or should not go about things.

The primary piece of information that I have learnt over these past few long, blog-less months is- (ta~da!) that love is hard. Yes, you got it- the title is the post content. Original!

Waxing serious for a moment though- it just floors me how amazing and complex human emotions are when it comes to interpersonal relations. When I was thirteen, I thought I understood love and relationships. It was being excited to see someone, hanging out with them at lunchtime, stealing hugs and maybe kisses that seem so very naughty behind the P.E shed.
I loved wholly, unreservedly and a little naively when I was thirteen.
Then it ends, you're hurt and you learn from it; and if you're lucky or determined, you find someone else to love.

When I was sixteen I also thought I knew what love was. Feeling a bond to someone, saying 'I love you', sharing experiences, even moving out of home and into their one bedroom place because you totally went out with an older guy that had a car and a stable job so he could provide for you. That's part of love, riiiight?
Of course, at sixteen, often sex comes into the picture (if it hasn't already,) and you can't imagine what life was like without all of those soppy text messages and those interesting facts filling your teenage mind about his early days in a band.

By twenty, I was an expert. I'd been in polyamorous relationships, lesbian relationships, open relationships, alternative sexuality relationships. I had the experience of having relationships that had no convenient label, which is usually when one decides that labels are too 'stifling' and forgoes them completely.
If someone asked me what love was, I'd have an answer ready, at the tip of my acerbically witty tongue, rolling off words like 'commitment', 'deeper understanding' and 'shared interests'.

Now that I'm twenty four, I know something else. I know how hard it is to stay calm when someone you care about is hurting. I know the courage it takes to get up every morning, knowing that you're in a situation with another person that is less than ideal and that both of you are going to be grumpy and tired and that's before you've even got the kids' breakfast and wheedled them into cleaning their room.

I know how frustrating it is to be speaking plain English to someone that's less than a foot away from you and they still don't get what you're saying... Yet they're taking the time to sit there and listen and try to puzzle it out and that gives you a sense of being 'heard' that you've never fully appreciated before.

I know how it feels to be vulnerable to someone else, to intentionally let go of everything that I hide, not only from the world with make up and carefully taken pictures posted to the Internet and an impeccable, intimidating intellect, but from myself- things that I shy from acknowledging because secretly I think they make me less attractive, less 'good,' less lovable. I am lucky enough to know how it feels to have someone that accepts those parts of me... And knowledgeable enough to know what it would be like if they didn't.

In my relationship world, words happen, so often. I talk and talk and still, the problems are there. I laugh, I love and I yell. There is tension and confusion and then something wondrous happens.

I realise that I am still there. 

Somewhere, in the late night curled on the sofa in my old nightie with my hair an unruly mop and my unkempt legs, I realised that even though it was difficult I was still trying.
That for once in my life, I had the strength to overcome the urge to flee, to protect myself from potential harm because there was more to it than just me, now. 
That with angry scowls, stinging rebukes and a hand flung into the air in a gesture of helpless, final, frustration... I had learnt to control my fear and open the delicate core of myself to a human being that was completely different from me.
I realised, with a smug, self contented clarity that I'd not experienced before, that the man sitting opposite me in his snug grey PJ pants nestled up against the cacti of my legs was still trying. That he, for all of his pain and baggage, was trying to be worthy of my trust, trying to be just as open and raw and was ejecting his feelings again and again and again in a painful regurgitation of honesty that I had to admire.

I realised that sometimes, love is supposed to be difficult.

Finally, I'd grown up enough to understand commitment. To understand that even though things seemed much the same as they had before in other times with other people; that it was different.
Every day we love each other is a day of success for our relationship. Every moment is a chance for growth, every fight an opportunity to comprehend the other a little more.

Slowly, I'm learning to struggle with what unconditional love really means, and to question whether or not I'm capable of it. I'm learning that love is about teaching and learning and having opinions and not saying them sometimes. That it's compromise and stubbornness and disgust and affection.
Love is personal, secret, blatant, biased, inconvenient and beautiful.

Everyone has their own definition of it. I would think, though, that 'difficult' would be a word shared in many stories of love, over many generations. 
Of course, when I'm twenty seven, I'll look at this post. I'll shake my head. Perhaps tut a little. Then, I will smile at the discovery of what love really is, because I'll be older and wiser and much more experienced- all the better to make pinhole judgements of what the indefinable word 'love' really means.

Yoga for Relationships

I was reading a blog post today, about the way the author saw relationships.
He stated in his post "And girls should never change for guys. He’ll never notice love."

I don't believe this is true, in a certain light. In my mind, it's correct because you should change only if you believe you want to. However, also in my mind, relationships should strive to be a mutual growth of both partners. Love is a changeable thing- when you're in a relationship for many years, the love deepens, mutates, shuffles sideways and backwards and into lukewarm then fiery passionate then deep, solid trust and affection and all the places past and inbetween.

You need to change to stay with it, to understand it. You need to respect yourself and how you want to be and reach for that, while at the same time understand and respecting your partners needs and wishes. If my partner wanted me to change, I would consider it seriously. If I felt like I wanted to change something for myself, I would definitely give it a go.

In the past, I've had an interesting relationship with change. Sometimes, I've felt like others needed to change because obviously I was perfect and they were the problem.
Sometimes, I've felt like both of us needed to change and I was but they weren't even trying.
Occasionally, I felt like I grew past the person I was with and needed to leave the relationship so that they could understand how they needed to grow by experiencing life without me supporting them.

The basic point I'm trying to make is that I believe that gender doesn't and shouldn't enter into personal and inter-relationship development. Whether or not people need to change is unique to the relationship and the circumstances around it.
An addendum to this is that guys should not get to play the stereotype card to get away with ignorance and lack of appreciation in a relationship.
'He'll never notice love' is a very strong statement to make.
It implies that you practicing consideration will not be acknowledged.
It implies that females are the only ones that can see and appreciate sacrifice and compromise.

I try never to take my partner for granted and I expect the same courtesy. If you're with someone that:

•  isn't appreciative of the effort you put in (the actual effort, not just all the things you come up with to make them feel like you're shouldering the brunt of responsibility in the relationship,)
•  isn't  looking after themselves even though you've talked with them about it (the talking is important- you perhaps should not expect your partner to know what you want/ what you're thinking instinctively.)
• leaves you feeling like you're responsible for the wellbeing of the relationship single-handedly, or
• doesn't grow and change with you to the point where you are two completely different people with different goals on different levels...

then it may be time for you to strongly and ruthlessly evaluate your relationship needs and future.
Have high expectations of your partner, as well as yourself- (within respectful boundaries and acceptance of who they are as a person- ha! You thought that one was gonna be easy, didn't you?) - after all, if you don't believe in them and think they can be more than they are, who will?
Challenge, exceed expectations, be better because you can, lift them up, inspire them.
And, lastly, love without condition as best you can. He/she should notice and if he/she loves you, they'll try to do the same for you.

Honey, how do you feel about Spiritual Enlightment Classes?

Relationships. They're one of the things that we begin to learn about early in life and yet they're one of the things that we seem to have the most difficulty with.
By 'we', I am speaking of people in general. If you are comfortable and experienced with awesome relationships, then clearly this post is not about you. Well done.

'In mature love, we do not look to our partner to provide our happiness, and we don't blame them for our unhappiness. We take responsibility for the expectations that we carry, for our own negative emotional reactions, for our own insecurities, and for our own dark moods.' (Meinecke, author of 'Everybody Marries the Wrong Person').

I read that in a rather lengthy article here and it really struck a chord with me. Growing up and learning to deal with increasingly complex social and romantic relationships is a hard deal.(I will also note early on in this post that part of that lengthy article is based on marriage whereas I am referring in this post to long term romantic relationships in general).
 Where's the guidebook with the decision tree that tells you what will happen if you say this, or don't do that?
Or that handy reference section that details the best possible reactions to every emotionally volatile situation?
The answer: It doesn't exist.
However, the above quote very closely resembles my adult philosophy on romantic interactions with others. It wasn't a hard thing for me to accept that my happiness is something that I alone am responsible for.
It was, however, and continues to be, a learning curve in finding the sometimes hidden expectations about relationships that I carry with me.

'Invariably, we yearn for perfection but are stuck with an imperfect human being. We all fall in love with people we think will deliver us from life's wounds but who wind up knowing how to rub against us... If we fail to plumb ourselves and speak up for our deepest needs, which admittedly can be a scary prospect, life will never feel authentic, we will never see ourselves with any clarity, and everyone will always be the wrong partner.' (Boston Family Therapist, Terry Real, quoted from same article here).

This is not necessarily new information for me, but it certainly struck home the fact that it really is about me. It's about how I am growing as a person, and whether or not I'm considerate, thoughtful, loving and able to recognise my flaws and compensate for them. It's about if I can grow as a person, as well as grow with another person in a way that is healthy and feels good for both of us.

Another quote from the Very Long Article: 'Relationship identities are negotiated between two individuals. Relationships are not static ideals; they are always works in progress.'

How true is this?! I mean, just in the last year I have grown so much as an individual that I can barely be compared to the same person that I was. If I have changed and my needs and goals and interests have changed and evolved, then what happens to a relationship that I'm in during that time?
Learning to communicate how I feel and the changes that I'm going through personally have served to bring closeness to my relationships during periods of transition. Giving my significant other/s an idea of how I've changed and where I want to be has allowed me the freedom to explore in a respectful and considerate way.

One thing I will say as a general disclaimer- Yes, I recognise that it is okay for relationships to not work out.
I understand that people can grow apart, in different directions with issues or needs that are unacceptable to the other person. I also understand that sometimes people are not willing to compromise standards or expectations that are of importance to them and this means that the person they are with is not the right one for that situation.
I do believe though that if you're in a relationship that you want to continue, but there are things that you view as an issue with your partner, you should take a look at yourself first. It's important.

I will also argue that the statement:
 'People who cheated in one or more previous relationships are not great mate material. They destroy the trust and intimacy basic to building a relationship. It's possible to make a case for a partner who cheats once, against his own values, but not for one who compulsively and repeatedly strays.'(William Doherty, professor of psychology at University of Minnesota,) is not one that I totally agree with.

This is probably stated from the perspective of a person, professional though they may be, that believes in the practice of monogamous relationships. Of course, you can cheat in open relationships- it's all about the honest communication after all- and his point would still stand.

I do not believe that a person who has cheated in a previous relationship should be automatically written off as 'not great mate material'. I could be biased, having cheated on a previous partner myself before discovering the avenue of open and polyamorous relationships, but I really do think that there's something to be thought about here.
A statement that would sound more accurate to me would be something like 'A person that lies consistently is a person to think carefully about being in an intimate relationship with.' I mean, it's really the deception that breaks trust and intimacy as well as the lack of pre-communication about needs and feelings.
As before stated though, people grow and change and learn and make decisions that impact their values and the way that they interact with others. It's entirely feasible for that lying, cheating person to become someone that is honest and respectful.

That aside, here's a statement that reflects my current situation in terms of relationships:

 'One of the most common reasons we choose the wrong partner is that we do not know who we are or what we really want. It's hard to choose someone capable of understanding you and meeting your most guarded emotional needs and with whom your values are compatible when you don't know what your needs or values are or haven't developed the confidence to voice them unabashedly.'

I am still growing, learning, adapting, making mistakes, finding the values and passions and directions that I would like my life to have. I have a sneaking suspicion that because human beings are so adaptive and the nature of life is so changeable, that any one individual will never really be able to say with complete and lasting clarity 'This is what I want.'
From this comes the realisation that the onething that is super important is flexibility and a willingness to compromise. This includes with yourself, with your partner and with Life itself.

Have fun with it, love as you feel love should be and remember the whole 'when you point at someone there are three fingers pointing back at you' rule.

Time for some tea and a slice of sodomy, dear?

Okay, so this post is all about taking it up the ass.

I have been asked no less than four times this week if I would be interested in the idea of having someone's cock in my anal passage. (Doesn't it sound sexy when I put it that way?)
Now, this doesn't bother me in any way. I just find it curious that such a subject should be breached so many times in such a short period.
Now, let's get this straight- anal sex can be a fun and pleasurable activity, for those that enjoy it and do it correctly. And by correctly, I mean with patience and lube. Lots of lube.

The confusion here is not about the act itself. In fact, if you want a good, health related reason for women to do it- anal sex has been linked to decreased anxiety levels.
Apparently, there's an ingredient in male semen that is much more readily absorbed by the blood veseels in the rectum.
Butt sex for calmer people, yay!

It seems that anal sex is becoming more popular and mainstream in society than it used to be.
There was a survey released in 2005 that stated that 38.2% of men between 20 and 39 and 32.6% of women ages 18 to 44 engage in heterosexual anal sex. These percentages had increased by an average of 18.2% in just ten years.
It's a trend on the rise, and I must say I wonder at it. I mean, sure; breaking taboo is sexy.
Experimenting during sex is fun and keeps relationships interesting.
I guess this partly explains why being asked if you take it in the ass is a common occurance in the dating/ casual sex scenes these days.

There are just a few questions I'd like answered before I submit myself to em-bare-ass-ment.
Firstly, why is it that it's far more acceptable for men to stick the dick in women's asses than for women to dock the cock?
There's a ton of research done on gay and lesbian sex, heterosexual sex, including anal, with men as the penetrator, but seemingly little with women taking the 'lead role'. Certainly all of the men that have questioned me about anal sex have been referring to me receiving it.

It's my theory that the straight-male fear of reciprocal anal play is a potent mix of sexism and homophobia; a straight man can do it to someone else, but having it done to him is... Well, gay. (Which there is nothing wrong with, in my humble opinion.)

However!
The widely spread news of the anti-cancer benefits of prostate stimulation are giving straight guys a legitimate excuse to be more, uh, open to exploration.
Men’s magazines, which until a few years ago discussed anal sex only in terms of how to trick a girlfriend into giving it up, now talk about the male G-spot, a.k.a. the He-spot and how much pleasure a man can receive from this kind of stimulation while keeping himself healthy and cancer free.

I would encourage women to have a go at wearing the cock, so to speak; it's a very interesting power dynamic and one that many women find rewarding sexually. 

Next question: What is it that is so damn fascinating about putting your junk in my trunk?

The various responses I've received from men when asked this question have been pretty much as I expected.
It's tighter. It feels 'naughty' and exciting. It's a new sensation. It gives him a feeling of dominance.
It allows him to give her more pleasure because he can also stimulate her vaginally (only the really smooth guys used a line like this).
Still, the fact remains for me that it is a place in my body that expels waste. There is absolutely no way I can make that shit sexy. (Y'see what I did there?). It does feel good, though. Shhh.

So, what we learn and question from all of this:

1) Anal sex can have a calming effect. Can't sleep? Spread 'em!

2) Straight men have a scientific come back for why they're merely self caring if they indulge in anal play, if they're insecure and feel the need to justify their choices.

3) More people are having anal sex. Soon, it'll become the new zumba and everyone will be doing it.

4) How will the increasing commonality of anal intercourse affect population numbers? (Both through reduction of pregnancies and the transmission of STI's through negligent hygiene and safety practices).

5) An ass is still an ass, no matter what you put in it. Be clean, play safe.

Awkward Dinosaur in America!

Day 1.5- (The day of flight, visiting the past and getting up to do more stuff after sleeping.)

So, my trip started off well.

 Got bags, got stuff, got me. Seems sorted. Get to airport on time? Success.

Get to check in desk. Success.

Submit passport in exchange for boarding pass? Fail. 

A company, who I shall not name because I am beneath such things, managed to mis-read my name on my flight booking and hence printed the wrong name on my ticket. This, of course, sent staff into perplexed mumbling and me into a mild panic, complete with small whimpers. 

After being advised to call the Company that Shall Not Be Named, I was even more frustrated.

They basically told me that ‘According to company policy, Expedia (oops, sorry, did I just name-drop? Where’s that delete key? Can’t seem to find it. Odd.) could not re-print my ticket, change my name or be, in any practical way, helpful. They advised calling the airline.

Which I did. 

 *Ring ring*

“I’m sorry, but our offices aren’t open until many hours from now. Please have fun sorting out your problem on your own.”

Frazzled, I returned to the loving care of the helpful staff of Air New Zealand. Within ten minutes, I got a boarding pass to Sydney with the help of a sneaky system wrangling plane-person by the name of Jeff. Success! 

On plane to Sydney, one step closer to the end goal. Now to sort out my boarding pass at the other end!

While waiting in Sydney for airline staff to man the boarding gate, I met Kim the Other Friendly Aucklander. Thanks to her witty conversation, I survived the next few harrowing hours (five, to be precise) with my own wits relatively intact. And my ticket was sorted out.

During our conversation, however, we noticed some interesting happenings. Americans!

The first American I heard was, surprisingly enough, in the airport. And what were the first gracious words out of this charmingly sweet woman’s mouth? I was curious to hear them… It would do a lot for my forming judgements on the species.

Her first words were: “If other people fed their children, they wouldn’t cry so much. Obviously they need to take a parenting course. “

 Now, it’s not that I’m against this statement in principal. It’s mostly that it came from a woman who had no idea when these people had last fed their children- it could have been five minutes ago!

Luckily, I was distracted form this as Even More Americans piled into the space around Gate 60. Where before there had been understated, functional and open plan foyers for checking in, manned by a team of quiet, uniformed flight assistants, now there were loud Americans in suits, striding around like they meant business. They were taking over boarding gate 60, a coup complete with intimidating body searches and uniform blue screens. 

After all of that, boarding the plane was rather uneventful. The first thing that tickled my fancy was how American everything was. I mean, you expect it, I suppose, but it’s a different thing to experience. We were watching baseball on the inflight video.  Baseball.

Then there were the accents of the pilots and flight crew. ‘Would yew lahke somethin’ tuh drank?’

The American madness continues as the pilot reads out our in-flight instructions. Gems, every one of them. 

My favourite was ‘No social mingling in the gallies and lavatories.’

I mean, really... Who’s going to hang out in a lavatory?!

I also liked the statement that:

‘TSA have secure rules and restrictions for the safety of our passengers.'
One of these is that passengers are restricted to using the lavatories that are assigned to their particular
section of the plane!

Anyway, I'm writing this bit a few hours into the L.A leg of the trip, and my coccyx hurts. That’s right, you heard me. 

So, to take my mind off this, I spend time gazing out my window at clouds.  I’ve always found clouds absolutely fascinating. There’s something about being up in the sky, with just blue around you and the soft fluffy wool of clouds.

You feel like you’re part of something bigger, like you can see the whole world as it really is… It’s as if being 40,000ft? in the air somehow makes you invulnerable and better than what you were as a human being standing on two legs at 0ft above ground.

Just a note: It’s currently 10pm NZT and we’ve still got 8.5 hours to go. I haven’t moved from my seat since I sat down. I’m wondering if that’s going to hurt later, and if I can keep it up before we get to L.A.

This. Flight. Is. So. Long. 

Aaaand... I made it! Going through Security and Customs was a bit of a sleep deprived blur. No invasive cavity searches, no embarrassing and drawn out manual inspections of the contents of my suitcase. Just endless amounts of questions, some fingerprint scanning and a token 'Have a nice stay in America.'

Sorry to make this such a long post, but I did promise I'd keep you updated and so much has happened in the past 48 hours!

First really exciting thing was seeing Evan. It was kind of surreal- I had missed him so much, and suddenly I was with him, sitting in the car (admittedly, the steering wheel was on the wrong side and we were driving on the right hand side of the road,) and chatting about the flight and the trees and the crazy American drivers. 

The next really exciting thing that happened was being taken to Costco. Yup, it's huge. For you Kiwis, think Gilmores but bigger and with way more stuff, including furniture. 

My mind was stretching, and there were funny tingles sporadically travelling down my neck with each turn of my head to focus on one of the million other amazing sights set before me. 

It was so overwhelming, in fact, that I need to end this post. Right now. Hard...To... *brain spasm*